Silva Neves

Silva Neves
Psychosexual, Relationship and Couples Therapist

Saturday 16 November 2019

The unhealed wounds of Parent and Adult Child





The nation felt uncomfortable watching the latest episode of RuPaul Drag Race UK when contestant Baga Chipz insulted her mother on the show. Understandably, many negative comments were made towards Baga Chipz on social media. 

However, it is important to pause and take a breath. It is so easy to throw immediate comments on social media from the safety of our living rooms and demonise Baga Chipz for what she has done without knowing any details of what got them both to that runway awkward moment. By doing so, we forget that on the receiving end of those comments are two people already wounded by each other. 

I do not condone the behaviour of Baga Chipz. It was harsh and it was humiliating for her mother. No matter how we feel about our mother or any other people in our lives, we still have to be respectful and not drag them in the mud in public.  What Baga Chipz did was wrong. But, as a psychotherapist, I could also see her pain and hurt behind the harsh defence. We don’t know her story with her mother, so we should not judge. 

Equally, Baga Chipz’ mother has her part to play. Was she not aware of their difficult relationship? Or did she hope that by doing this grand gesture of appearing on RuPaul Drag Race UK next to her son, it would somehow heal some unresolved issues between them, like a magic wand? Indeed, it is easier to think of one gesture that would patch everything up rather than doing the more effective, yet much harder task of sitting down and discussing in details what went wrong in their relationship. 

What Baga Chipz missed, though, is that her mother was actually willing to step outside of her comfort zone and come on the show for her. We can interpret it as an act of love. Many mothers will never have the courage to do so especially when there is a wound. For that, her mother should have been praised. 

What her mother missed, perhaps, was that it might not have been the right time or the right gesture to repair the relationship. Perhaps, she didn’t hear what Baga Chipz actually needed from her. 

Once again, let’s take a pause. We don’t know their story. Perhaps, it has nothing to do with the relationship between Baga Chipz and her mother. Perhaps, it is something to do with what the mother represents for Baga. Perhaps, her mother is a reminder of a difficult childhood that is independent from the relationship between them. 

Healing the wounds between parent and adult child is never easy. It takes a lot of courage and a lot of painful discussions. The goal of conflict resolutions is not always about arriving at a place of happiness between two people. Sometimes, it is about accepting what is. Accepting that the wounding will always leave a scar and that scar might sometimes itch. It is admitting to each other that they are different people and won’t be able to connect meaningfully. Sometimes, it is to recognise that love only thrives between parent and adult child when there is distance. Sometimes, it is about accepting that we don’t get to choose our parents and we have to live with the fact that they are not perfect, or inadequate or unskilled at being parents. Conflict resolution is not always about forgiving the other, but it is about forgiving ourselves for being unable to connect with our closest blood relations. There is too much pressure to be in harmony with our parents, our children, or other people in our family of origin; it is not always possible. Letting go of that pressure can improve mental health. 

What I saw on RuPaul Drag Race UK however, was two hurt people with unhealed wounds and either could forgive themselves for co-creating the relationship that they now have. It was painful to watch. But I hope that this terrible moment between them can be the next step into sitting down and talking properly with each other. I wish them both well. 

Silva Neves