Silva Neves

Silva Neves
Psychosexual, Relationship and Couples Therapist

Tuesday, 11 December 2018

A special (hot) Christmas

When we think of Christmas, we tend to think about family time, a break, food, presents and the nativity scene. 
This Christmas, I’d like to offer you a different way to enjoy Christmas. How about spending quality time with your sex life? 
There are many gifts that you can choose for yourself and your sexual partner. Here is a small selection of sex toys that can spice up the festive season:  

Fleshlight.Great for male solo sex or have your partner use it on you. There are many fleshlights you can choose: an anus, a mouth or a vagina. You can adjudt the tightness of the entry of the fleshlight, and the inside is designed for enhanced penile pleasure. 

Rimming toy.Rimming is one of the great pleasures some men and women enjoy because there are many nerve endings in the entrance of the anus, so it’s a sensitive area of the body. It is a toy you can use for yourself, or you can use it whilst having sex with others, for extra enhanced pleasure. 

Prostate massager.It’s another anal goodie for men. The prostrate is the G-spot place. This toy is specifically designed to reach the prostate effortlessly and stimulate it for enhanced pleasure. You can also use it on your own whilst masturbating or whilst your sex partner gives you oral sex, for example. 

Masturbation toy. A good way to enhance the pleasure of masturbation for solo sex. Or why not ask a sex partner to do it for you? You can even play with bondage and edging! Just a thought. 

Vibrators.There are vibrators of all shapes, sizes and colours. Take your pick! For something light and easy to use, try a small one that goes straight to the clitoris. It is ideal for solo sex, or as part of sex with others, during oral sex or penetration. 
Or you can choose a bigger vibrator for penetration, which can also enhance vaginal or anal pleasure. You can use this one for solo sex or as part of sex with others. 

Buying a sex toy is not a sign that your sex life isn’t working. It shouldn’t feel like a threat. Sex toys are great ways to enhance your sex life, bring variety to the bedroom and inject some excitement with exploring new things. 

There are many sex toys on the market that you can look for, explore and try. The options are endless. We often neglect our sex life, thinking we’ll make it better when we have more time, but life will always be busy. Make sex one of your priorities: a satisfying sex life is good for mental and physical health. 

This Christmas, find time to have a jolly good family time and also a hot sexual time that you can carry forward into 2019. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. 

Silva Neves 

A Christmas Of Love

As we are coming close to the end of the year, it is a good opportunity to reflect on how you have been feeling in your relationship. 
How have you expressed to your partner that they’re special? 
How have you said to them that they matter?
Have you spent enough quality time with them or have you been too tired to connect at the end of a long day? 
Are you touching your phone or your partner last thing at night before you go to sleep? 

Gary Chapman, the author of The Five Love Languages, proposes that we all have a dominant Love Language, the one that we use most often to express love and also the one by which we feel the most loved. There isn’t one Love Language that is better than the other, they are different.

Whilst we may have a dominant Love Language, I believe it is a good idea to practice all the Love Languages so that you can take your relationship on different levels. Each Love Language offer a specific dimension to relationships. 

This Christmas, I challenge you to become more fluent with the Five Love Languages: 

Words of Affirmations:Tell your partner that they’re special to you with kind and loving words. But you might also want to tell them that you desire them sexually. Be mindful of your words: ‘you look nice in this dress’ is different from ‘you look sexy in this dress’. One word can make a big difference and help you maintain your erotic space. 

Physical Touch: this is another way to show your love to your partner. It doesn’t have to be sexual. Holding a hand, a hug, a kiss can help greatly with your romantic relationship as well as your erotic connection. 

Act of Service: this one is about expressing your love through actions. Why don’t you help with decorating the Christmas tree this year? Or perhaps you can be the one wrapping all the presents? Think about making a cup of tea for your partner whilst they’re still in bed. These acts of service can warm up the space between the two of you for enhanced love and sexual attraction. 

Quality Time: In a time when we are always so busy going shopping or going to parties, it is precious to find time to stop and just be together, without necessarily doing anything specific. You can take a walk together. Or you can have quality time taking a bath together or just lying in bed together, talking. The important part of quality time is to learn to protect time to stay away from your devices. Showing up properly to your partner can be a potent ingredient for sexual desire and romantic love. 

Gift Giving: This love language is pertinent at Christmas time. All too often, we buy presents out of the pressure of Christmas, and we don’t give ourselves enough time to think about what we buy. A gift that is meaningful doesn’t have to be an expensive one, but it has to be a thoughtful one, a gift that says: ‘I’ve thought about you a lot and I thought you would really like this’. Perhaps, this year, you might want to think about a gift that is not to be opened in front of the whole family. As a private gift, how about buying a sex toy? It can be a great way to communicate: ‘I want you’, ‘I desire you’, ‘our sex life is important to me’, and also ‘I love you’. 

A flourishing couple is one in which the two people show up in their relationship with full magnificence. Maintaining the romantic space and the erotic space doesn’t happen on its own: it takes attention, effort, willingness, energy and thoughtfulness. The holiday season is a good one to think more deeply about all the ingredients that make your relationship vibrant. Instead of big occasional gestures, how about daily small ones? Become fluent with the Five Love Languages this Christmas and take it forward with you into 2019 for a truly new year. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. 

Silva Neves