Silva Neves

Silva Neves
Psychosexual, Relationship and Couples Therapist

Saturday, 4 July 2015

The 50 Flavours of Vanilla Sex

The 50 Flavours of Vanilla Sex

As a psychosexual and relationship therapist, I talk about sex with my clients a lot.

What I observe often is that, although there is so much information about sex available, people are still quite confused about it, what it means to them, and how to make it work for them.
It seems that sex, like most things, goes with what is fashionable and mainstream at the time.

In our current time, the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon highlighted sexual practice termed as ‘kinky’ or ‘BDSM’ (Bondage, Discipline, Sadomasochism, Masochism). The novel became a worldwide success, and a film followed. Of course, this is good for people who practice kinky sex as an integral part of the expression of their sexuality, because it became normalised. When something is normalised, there is less prejudice attached to it.

Kinky sex is now in the mainstream and ‘fashionable’. What seems to happen is that other types of sex becomes less fashionable.
What I often hear, when my clients talk about the type of sex they have, some say:
‘I only do vanilla sex’
‘Nothing much, just vanilla’
Sometimes, clients will even put a judgement on it straight away:
‘Oh, I’m boring, I only do vanilla’

So, this makes me wonder, what happened to Vanilla Sex? Is it now being seen as boring, limiting, old-fashioned, undesirable?

What is Vanilla Sex?
It is exactly what you want it to be!

Vanilla Sex doesn’t mean that you have to be doing the same missionary position with the lights off for the rest of your life.

Vanilla is actually an exotic spice. It has been known in the past as ‘The Nectar of the Gods’, and some people believe that it is an aphrodisiac! Vanilla Sex can live up to this reputation. Vanilla Sex can be varied, sexy and hot.

Vanilla Sex means creativity and diversity.
One day, you can have sex fully naked with your partner in the bedroom, with romantic scented candles, looking into each other’s eyes, feeling intimate. Some people call this sexual practice ‘making love’.

And another day, you can have a ‘quickie’ on the kitchen table with most of your clothes on.

You can choose to have sex with sexy lingeries. Or you can have sex just wearing stilettoes, or trainers.

You can choose to wear sports gear to spice up your sex life in a true Vanilla sense. Or you may want to have a role play once in a while, such as boss/secretary, etc.

You can talk dirty whilst having sex. You can incorporate erotica, or fantasies whilst having sex.

Sometimes, you might also want to do oral sex to the point of orgasm without penetration.

You may also choose to do the same position over and over again if it really works for you and your partner. Why not?

There are countless ways of having Vanilla Sex, so many ways, in fact, to last a lifetime.

If you’re into Vanilla Sex, feel proud of it, hold your head high and say: ‘I do Vanilla Sex and it’s hot!’

© Silva Neves – July 2015