Emma Watson coined ‘self-partnered’ to describe her singledom. When celebrities create new terms, it can be catching. Sometimes it is a good thing because their public influence can bring forth some important unspoken social issues.
As a psychosexual and relationship specialist, I’m aware that there is so much myth about sex and relationships that really confuse people, precipitating and maintaining problems in their lives. So, I think Emma Watson’s comment has brought forward a welcome dialogue.
The term ‘self-partnered’ is useful to remind us all that we need to be treating ourselves with love and kindness. It is a synonym to ‘self-love’ and ‘self-care’. I would go as far as it can encompass ‘self-pleasure’ as masturbation is a healthy sexual behaviour with self that can be an act of self-love.
Being our own best friend first is actually important if we were to meet someone else. Typically, people who don’t like parts of themselves tend to project those onto others thus making a relationship with others difficult.
Our society has bombarded us with messages of the word ‘partner’ means ‘another’ or a collaboration with someone outside of the self. ‘Self-partnered’ is therefore a helpful addition to our vocabulary and expanding the notion of singledom and taking care of the relationship with ourselves.
However, I don’t think we should be colluding with the sense that ‘single’ is a bad word. ‘Self-partnered’ doesn’t have to be a replacement term for ‘single’. Our society has somehow made the word ‘single’ a sad status, an undesirable place to be. ‘Single’ has been made a bad word especially for women, perpetuating horrible ideas such as the ‘spinster’ stigma or the fairy tale stories where the woman waits to be picked by the handsome prince and wanting to marry her, only then, will she be happy!
If we think about it, why does it have to be the man getting on his knees asking a woman to marry him? Can’t a woman decide for herself when and how she wants to propose a marriage? Could a woman decide not to ever marry (and have children) and still be seen as equal to other women making a different choice?
Our society, so modern in many areas, remains old fashioned when thinking about women’s singledom. Our society is still invested in thinking that somehow it is wrong for a woman to choose to stay single.
A colleague of mine who is a relationship specialist too, and above all a friend, posted a thought-provoking message on her social media. I asked for her permission to share some of it:
‘I have read several articles questioning why Emma Watson is alone as if there is something wrong with her. I reflect on my own state of “alone” and, being away, it is in my face pretty much all the time. From the floating around in a king sized bed, to the two place settings at meal times where one is discreetly removed, double sets of towels, sun loungers placed in pairs, to the ‘oh you are alone’ comments from other guests with an air of superiority, pity or curiosity, the list goes on. At this moment in time, I am actually choosing to be single until I meet someone I choose to be in a couple with. I see so many people unable to be with themselves. It is as if society as brainwashed us, especially women, that we are not complete unless we are in a relationship. The idea of there being the “one” sets us up for unrealistic expectations. I feel so grateful for the life that I have. I am immensely privileged, but above all I feel proud that, at that moment, I am not in a relationship’.
This social media post from my friend is an intimate and powerful account of a woman empowered with her ‘single’ status. She understands that ‘alone’ is a privilege of being comfortable with herself, and it is not the same as ‘lonely’.
Let’s get together and challenge society’s reductive judgements of ‘single’. Let’s reclaim the word as a positive and empowering choice. Let’s remind ourselves that we don’t need another to be complete or successful. Let’s enjoy dinners for one and not confuse being alone with being lonely.
We need connection and a sense of belonging for wellbeing but it doesn’t mean we need a spouse. We can find connection and belonging in our community, our work, our friendships, our hobbies, our families of choice or families of origin. We don’t need to find it in the eyes of someone who wants to marry us.
Let’s embrace the status of ‘single’ and let’s make ‘Self-partnered’ the process by which being single is nourishing and flourishing.
Silva Neves
