Silva Neves

Silva Neves
Psychosexual, Relationship and Couples Therapist

Tuesday, 11 December 2018

A special (hot) Christmas

When we think of Christmas, we tend to think about family time, a break, food, presents and the nativity scene. 
This Christmas, I’d like to offer you a different way to enjoy Christmas. How about spending quality time with your sex life? 
There are many gifts that you can choose for yourself and your sexual partner. Here is a small selection of sex toys that can spice up the festive season:  

Fleshlight.Great for male solo sex or have your partner use it on you. There are many fleshlights you can choose: an anus, a mouth or a vagina. You can adjudt the tightness of the entry of the fleshlight, and the inside is designed for enhanced penile pleasure. 

Rimming toy.Rimming is one of the great pleasures some men and women enjoy because there are many nerve endings in the entrance of the anus, so it’s a sensitive area of the body. It is a toy you can use for yourself, or you can use it whilst having sex with others, for extra enhanced pleasure. 

Prostate massager.It’s another anal goodie for men. The prostrate is the G-spot place. This toy is specifically designed to reach the prostate effortlessly and stimulate it for enhanced pleasure. You can also use it on your own whilst masturbating or whilst your sex partner gives you oral sex, for example. 

Masturbation toy. A good way to enhance the pleasure of masturbation for solo sex. Or why not ask a sex partner to do it for you? You can even play with bondage and edging! Just a thought. 

Vibrators.There are vibrators of all shapes, sizes and colours. Take your pick! For something light and easy to use, try a small one that goes straight to the clitoris. It is ideal for solo sex, or as part of sex with others, during oral sex or penetration. 
Or you can choose a bigger vibrator for penetration, which can also enhance vaginal or anal pleasure. You can use this one for solo sex or as part of sex with others. 

Buying a sex toy is not a sign that your sex life isn’t working. It shouldn’t feel like a threat. Sex toys are great ways to enhance your sex life, bring variety to the bedroom and inject some excitement with exploring new things. 

There are many sex toys on the market that you can look for, explore and try. The options are endless. We often neglect our sex life, thinking we’ll make it better when we have more time, but life will always be busy. Make sex one of your priorities: a satisfying sex life is good for mental and physical health. 

This Christmas, find time to have a jolly good family time and also a hot sexual time that you can carry forward into 2019. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. 

Silva Neves 

A Christmas Of Love

As we are coming close to the end of the year, it is a good opportunity to reflect on how you have been feeling in your relationship. 
How have you expressed to your partner that they’re special? 
How have you said to them that they matter?
Have you spent enough quality time with them or have you been too tired to connect at the end of a long day? 
Are you touching your phone or your partner last thing at night before you go to sleep? 

Gary Chapman, the author of The Five Love Languages, proposes that we all have a dominant Love Language, the one that we use most often to express love and also the one by which we feel the most loved. There isn’t one Love Language that is better than the other, they are different.

Whilst we may have a dominant Love Language, I believe it is a good idea to practice all the Love Languages so that you can take your relationship on different levels. Each Love Language offer a specific dimension to relationships. 

This Christmas, I challenge you to become more fluent with the Five Love Languages: 

Words of Affirmations:Tell your partner that they’re special to you with kind and loving words. But you might also want to tell them that you desire them sexually. Be mindful of your words: ‘you look nice in this dress’ is different from ‘you look sexy in this dress’. One word can make a big difference and help you maintain your erotic space. 

Physical Touch: this is another way to show your love to your partner. It doesn’t have to be sexual. Holding a hand, a hug, a kiss can help greatly with your romantic relationship as well as your erotic connection. 

Act of Service: this one is about expressing your love through actions. Why don’t you help with decorating the Christmas tree this year? Or perhaps you can be the one wrapping all the presents? Think about making a cup of tea for your partner whilst they’re still in bed. These acts of service can warm up the space between the two of you for enhanced love and sexual attraction. 

Quality Time: In a time when we are always so busy going shopping or going to parties, it is precious to find time to stop and just be together, without necessarily doing anything specific. You can take a walk together. Or you can have quality time taking a bath together or just lying in bed together, talking. The important part of quality time is to learn to protect time to stay away from your devices. Showing up properly to your partner can be a potent ingredient for sexual desire and romantic love. 

Gift Giving: This love language is pertinent at Christmas time. All too often, we buy presents out of the pressure of Christmas, and we don’t give ourselves enough time to think about what we buy. A gift that is meaningful doesn’t have to be an expensive one, but it has to be a thoughtful one, a gift that says: ‘I’ve thought about you a lot and I thought you would really like this’. Perhaps, this year, you might want to think about a gift that is not to be opened in front of the whole family. As a private gift, how about buying a sex toy? It can be a great way to communicate: ‘I want you’, ‘I desire you’, ‘our sex life is important to me’, and also ‘I love you’. 

A flourishing couple is one in which the two people show up in their relationship with full magnificence. Maintaining the romantic space and the erotic space doesn’t happen on its own: it takes attention, effort, willingness, energy and thoughtfulness. The holiday season is a good one to think more deeply about all the ingredients that make your relationship vibrant. Instead of big occasional gestures, how about daily small ones? Become fluent with the Five Love Languages this Christmas and take it forward with you into 2019 for a truly new year. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. 

Silva Neves 

Thursday, 29 November 2018

World AIDS Day. The HIV stigma.

It’s World AIDS Day on the 1st December. 

Although HIV doesn’t seem to be at the forefront of people’s mind any longer, it is still a virus that once contracted, stays in your body and requires medications for life. 

The rate of HIV infection has dramatically reduced thanks to PreP, which is a very good news. And there is still hope that the excellent medical progress will find a cure one day. 

This does not mean that the problem has gone away. It is still important to look after your sexual health and to make reasonable decisions about your sex life to avoid negative consequences. 

Whilst there is much medical progress, the stigma about HIV is still very strong. 

Here is some information to combat the stigma: 

1- A HIV positive person on medication and with an undetectable viral load cannot pass on the virus. If you’re HIV negative, it is safe to have sex with a HIV positive person with an undetectable viral load. 

2- If you’re a HIV positive man with an undetectable viral load, it is your choice to disclose your status. It is the responsibility of all sexual partners to look after their sexual health, not just the one who is HIV positive. 

3- However, it is a criminal offence to intentionally transmit the virus to others without letting them know your status first. 

4- If you want to have sex with someone whose HIV status hasn’t been discussed, it is important not to make assumptions and protect your sexual health accordingly: with a condom, or PreP. 

5- You can have a sexual and romantic relationship with someone whose HIV status is different from yours. There is nothing wrong with it. HIV positive people have the same life expectancy as anyone else provided they take their medications as prescribed. 

6- Someone who chooses to be on PreP isn’t a ‘slut’ or ‘dirty’. He’s not necessarily going to orgies every weekend having bareback sex all over the place. However, he is someone who looks after his sexual health in a responsible and planned manner.  

7- Someone who is HIV positive is a human being first, not a diagnosis. They are worthy of the same respect as anyone else. And they deserve the same good, flourishing and vibrant sex life as anyone else. 

The gay community has been decimated by the virus in the last few decades. Some homophobic people used the epidemic to ostracise gay people even further. It is a traumatic history for the gay community. And the fight is not over: we now have to give a voice to those who have been shamed and together we can stop the stigma of HIV: start on World AIDS Day and keep the conversations going: talk with a friend about it today, have debates, share thoughts and ideas and spread the words. Eventually, we can educate and support each other, and become the truly loving community we have always aspired to be. 

Also, it is important to remember that the virus doesn’t discriminate sexual orientation. Many heterosexual people are at high risk of contracting the virus, primarily because it is thought as a ‘gay thing’. It is important to take good care of your sexual health, no matter what your sexual orientation is. 

Silva Neves 

Monday, 3 September 2018

How to be self-compassionate

The world that we live in is a stressful one. There is the pressure to work harder and to earn more money to meet the demands of an ever increasing cost of life. There is the pressure to look good, have children to have a happy family, to exercise five times a week, to live in the right desirable area in the right house, and so on and so forth. 

Charity organisation Mind says: ‘approximately 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience a mental health problem each year. In England, 1 in 6 people report experiencing a common mental health problem (such as anxiety and depression) in any given week’. 

On top of the stress that we face in our every day lives, there is also the stress of social media. Whether it is Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, you are bound to see other people who appear to do better than you: better body, better job, better money, better holiday, better life. We can’t help but feeling inadequate when bombarded with so much unattainable perfection, all of it being an illusion.  

The stress of modern life that we face can go unnoticed for a long time, yet it accumulates, and can cause significant mental health issues if we don’t look after ourselves well enough. In the imperfect world that we live, looking after our mental health should not be a luxury but it should be an every day consideration, much the same as looking after our personal hygiene or looking after our diet/ exercise regime. 

You may think that you are invisible or stronger than others. Perhaps you are. But I would argue that everybody should look after their mental health as it is a crucial part of general well-being. Behind closed doors, many people don’t feel so good about themselves. 

The secret to looking after your mental health is self-compassion. Here are my easy five top tips to practice self-compassion: 

1-   Validate your difficult emotions.Speak outloud: ‘This is difficult for me’, ‘It is painful’, ‘it hurts’.  

2-   Bring kindness to your emotional pain:Speak outloud: ‘Go easy on yourself’, or a single word such as ‘gentle’. 

3-   Do an act of kindness:lay a hand on the emotional pain. For example, if you feel the pain in your chest, you can lay a hand there and breathe. Or you may want to lay your hand on a soothing part of your body like your abdomen or your forehead, and breathe. 

4-   Defuse judgemental or unhelpful thoughts.You are bound to have some unhelpful or critical thoughts springing up, that’s what our mind usually does. When you have a critical thought, notice it and say: ‘this is my mind trying to beat me up again’, or ‘My mind is telling me something unhelpful’. It is a helpful defusion technique to remind yourself that your critical thoughts are not truth. They are just thoughts engineered by your mind, as it does with everybody else. 

5-   Connect your experience with others.You are definitely not the only one having a stressful moment, or difficult and painful emotions and critical thoughts. The entire human population does. Speak outloud: ‘this is something I have in common with everyone else’, ‘this shows I’m human’, ‘we all screw up and make mistakes sometimes’, ‘it’s hard to be human sometimes’. 

Does your judgemental mind say self-compassion sounds silly? Or it’s too easy? Or it won’t work with you? Or you’re not that type of person to do that? Listen to what your mind is telling you, and challenge yourself to be more self-compassionate. There are only five easy steps, which can be done in five minutes: validate your emotions, bring kindness to them, following by a kindness act, defuse your critical thoughts, and remind yourself that your experience is a human one, common to the rest of us. 

Regular and consistent self-compassion is one of the most important tool for mental health well-being. Practice for yourself and share your experience with others. Our world needs more of it. 

Silva Neves 

Monday, 2 July 2018


10 tips to resolve erection problems 

Erectile dysfunction is the most common sexual problem affecting many men regardless of age. 

When erection problems happen, it can be devastating for a man, it creates a great sense of shame and inadequacy. Sometimes, a single event of erection problem can kick start performance anxiety that is hard to shift. For other men, erection problems are the results of negative beliefs about sex, usually learnt in childhood. And for others, the cause is medical. 

Luckily, there are many things you can do to resolve erection problems. 

First, it is important to see your GP and have an investigation to rule out medical causes. Erection problems can be an indicator of: 
Undiagnosed heart problems. 
Low testosterone levels. 

If the problem is not medical, we can assume it is psychological. Don’t worry. It is very common. Here are my 10 tips to get better erections: 

1.    Address anxiety: the more you focus on your penis, the more you will have erection problems. The less you think about it, the easier it gets. Learn to recognise your anxiety thoughts. They sound like: ‘what if I don’t get an erection?’, ‘It will happen again’, ‘I must get hard this time’, ‘why is this happening to me?’. Once you catch those thoughts, you can challenge them: ‘It is normal to lose erections once in a while’, ‘It happens to everybody’, ‘I am still a good lover even without an erection’, ‘I can take my time’, ‘There is more to sex than just an erection’, ‘My body is fine, there is nothing wrong with me’. Try to notice when these anxiety thoughts come: sometimes they can come hours or days before you’re going to have sex. Other times, they come just before you’re about to have sex or during sex. The more you challenge the anxiety thoughts with reality-based thoughts, the more likely you are to get an erection. 

2.    Ditch Performance anxiety: sex is not a performance, it is a pleasurable experience between people. It can be pleasurable without an erection. If you forget about the pressure to get hard, it will be easier to get hard. 

3.    Kegel exercises. Having more control over your pelvic floor muscles is helpful. To know the muscles that you need to work out is simple: they are the muscles you use when you pause urinating mid-flow. Once you have identified those muscles, you can contract them (without using your abdominal muscles or your buttocks) for five seconds and then gently rest them again for five seconds and start again, for about 30 times. You can do it once in the morning and once in the evening. 

4.    Waxing and Waning. This is a great exercise for erections. Gently touch your penis with your hand until you get an erection, once you have one, stop touching yourself and let your erection go down. Then start again, do it three to four times in one session, once a day. This will train your mind and body that if you lose an erection, you can get it back. 

5.    Mindfulness. It is the best practice for reducing stress and anxiety but it is a difficult practice. You can start with an app to help you (there are many you can choose from), or you can go to a Mindfulness class. If you’re using an app, you can start with small steps: do it for 10 minutes, and if you like it, you can increase the duration. A daily mindfulness practice is really helpful. You can also do Yoga: it is a good mind-body work out that combines mindfulness and a form of Kegel exercises.

6.    Body issues. One block that can make erection harder is what you think about your body. Be kind to it and learn to love your body as it is. Sex will become easier. 

7.    Lifestyle. You are more likely to get good erections if you don’t drink heavily, haven’t got a hangover or haven’t over-eaten (a bloated feeling is not a ‘sexy’ feeling and erections will be harder to get). 

8.    If you lose your erection, or find it difficult to get one, don’t panic. Instead tell yourself that it’s an opportunity to enjoy sex in other ways, you can use your creativity. No erection doesn’t have to mean no sex: use other parts of your body to feel pleasure and to give pleasure. Most partners are understanding. 

9.    You can try Viagra or Cialis to help with getting some confidence back. You can now get Viagra without a prescription, but it is important to consult your GP before taking such medications, especially if you have a heart problem or other medical conditions.

10.  Reading: ‘The New Male Sexuality’ by B.Zilbergeld is a good book about the updated sex education for men. Erection problems can arise from a lack of appropriate sex education. Some men have erection problems because they unconsciously (or consciously) think sex is dirty or shameful, especially if growing up in a household that upheld sex-negative thinking. 

Having a good, relaxed, fulfilling sex life is important. Enjoy! 

Silva Neves 

Monday, 25 June 2018

ICD-11. Classification of Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder. My analysis.

ICD-11 Classification: Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder.
My analysis: information for clinicians and the public: 
How to diagnose and its implication for treatment change. 

Many patients report negative consequences as a result of repetitive consensual sexual behaviours. In their initial consultation, they often use a ‘sex addiction’ language as it is the most known language: their behaviour feels like an addiction because they can’t stop it. 

For years, clinicians have been in strong disagreement between those believing in ‘sex addiction’ and offering an addiction treatment to such problematic sexual behaviours and those who refused the theory that sex can be addictive and therefore offering a non-addiction treatment. There has been much debate on how to call this condition: ‘sex addiction’?, compulsive sexual behaviour? Hypersexual behaviour? Out-of-control sexual behaviour? 

From this month, June 2018, the ICD-11 (International Classification of Disease), included Compulsive Sexual Behaviour as a disorder. 
The description of the disorder is: 
Compulsive sexual behaviour disorder is characterized by a persistent pattern of failure to control intense, repetitive sexual impulses or urges resulting in repetitive sexual behaviour. Symptoms may include repetitive sexual activities becoming a central focus of the person’s life to the point of neglecting health and personal care or other interests, activities and responsibilities; numerous unsuccessful efforts to significantly reduce repetitive sexual behaviour; and continued repetitive sexual behaviour despite adverse consequences or deriving little or no satisfaction from it. The pattern of failure to control intense, sexual impulses or urges and resulting repetitive sexual behaviour is manifested over an extended period of time (e.g. 6 months or more), and causes marked distress or significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Distress that is entirely related to moral judgments and disapproval about sexual impulses, urges, or behaviours is not sufficient to meet this requirement.’ 

It is an interesting set of criteria which brings forth important clinical considerations for both therapists and patients. 

The purpose of my analysis is two-fold: to understand the diagnosis and its exclusions, and its implication on treatment change. I will highlight the therapeutic methods that are traditionally practiced under the umbrella of ‘sex addiction’ and my recommendations on how treatment may now develop and change. 

Firstly, one of the good outcome of such classification is that the psychotherapeutic community can now stop fighting over what terms to use. We can use Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder, not ‘sex addiction’. WHO (World Health Organisation) clearly states that there is no clinical evidence of an addictive component to sex therefore the disorder is classified under Impulse Control Disorder, which is very different from addiction. From now on, we can confidently put the term ‘sex addiction’ in inverted comas, as it is not a clinical term. In fact, it never was a clinical term: the words ‘sex addiction’ were coined in the late 70’s. The diagnosis classification makes ‘sex addiction’ an outdated and old fashion term. Just the same as we used to call female anxiety ‘hysteria’ or people suffering from bipolar disorder ‘manic depressive’: there are thousands of examples of old fashioned terms that disappear when we acquire more knowledge on the problems. This is good, because it means that the field of sexual health behaviours can finally be updated to fit with 2018. 

Secondly, it is important that a disorder is diligently diagnosed. For example, most people have heard the term PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), however only a few people use this diagnosis accurately. For the disorder to be diagnosed, the symptoms have to be so elevated that the patient cannot function in normal life. Most patients who experience terrible flashbacks as a result of a trauma who can also go to work and turn up to therapy with good hygiene are less likely to fit the criteria for the disorder. Such people would be classified as PTS (Post-Traumatic Stress), which is also a condition that can be treated with therapy, but is not a disorder. A patient not meeting the criteria for PTSD does not negate their suffering with flashback symptoms, which are very distressing. Therapy helps treating the symptoms for PTS for a better quality of life, without calling it a disorder. It is the clinician’s duty to inform the patient about how severe a condition is based on diagnostic criteria. Patients can then agree or disagree, they can be free to go to another clinician for a second opinion, or they can agree on their treatment plan.   

If a patient comes to a doctor’s office with stomach pain and fearing it is cancer. It is the doctor’s responsibility to do all the tests required and diligently diagnose or undiagnose conditions and inform the patient what condition they will be treated for. This is the expectations of all patients when seeing a medical doctor. We, psychotherapists, have to be as diligent with diagnosis. 

So let’s see how we can diagnose Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder: 

1-   A persistent pattern of failure to control intense, repetitive sexual impulses or urges resulting in repetitive sexual behaviour. Symptoms may include repetitive sexual activities becoming a central focus of the person’s life to the point of neglecting health and personal care or other interests, activities and responsibilities.’ Under ICD-11, the sexual behaviour that is problematic has to be evaluated by the patients themselves. A client may say that their repetitive visits to sex workers is a problem but their pornography use is not. We, clinicians, are not to tell patients what is problematic or not. 

The ‘sex addiction’ practice: In the traditional ‘sex addiction’ model as well as in 12-steps programmes (such as SLAA and SAA), patients are commonly told to stop all forms of sexual behaviours, including those which the client hasn’t mentioned as problematic. There is no clinical evidence that this intervention has any benefits. However there is evidence that it exponentially increases sexual shame. I often hear some people say: ‘it is a way to ‘re-boot’ the brain. Our brain is an organ that is intelligent and alive, not a computer. There is no such thing as ‘re-booting’ a brain. Doing this unnecessary intervention also makes the therapist’s ideas and opinions the standard of ‘success’ rather that the client’s goal of what they want to achieve. It creates a power imbalance so great that it impairs the therapeutic collaboration.  

The new diagnosisThis criteria focuses on the link between the intense impulses and urges and the repetitive behaviours. It does not include intense urges and impulses that do not result to repetitive unwanted behaviours nor wanted repetitive behaviours nor behaviours that are not the effect of uncontrolled intense sexual urges and impulses. It is quite specific. Also, the symptoms have to be significant enough for the person to struggle with looking after their health, personal care or other interests. This is when we need to be diligent as much as we are with making the difference between PTSD and PTS. If a patient presents in our consulting room with good hygiene, able to hold a job with responsibilities, feed themselves, and get on with life, the criteria for the disorder cannot be formulated. I work in private practice: most of my clients can hold their job and meet their needs for health and personal care. Although, I frequently hear clients say that they are so preoccupied by their sexual urges that they don’t have a hobby. It is something that can be addressed in therapy, for sure, but not having a hobby or having a lot of sexual preoccupation is not sufficient for a disorder if they can manage other areas of their life. 

2-   Numerous unsuccessful efforts to significantly reduce repetitive sexual behaviourand continued repetitive sexual behaviour despite adverse consequences or deriving little or no satisfaction from it’ This is a crucial part of the disorder diagnosis which is usually overlooked in the traditional ‘sex addiction’ assessment. Many people do not attempt to reduce their repetitive sexual behaviours until after they are caught by their partner or at high risk of being caught. For these people, if there were no risk of getting caught they would continue their sexual behaviour, indicating that they derive enough satisfaction from such behaviour. They may think ‘I shouldn’t be doing this’ but they do it anyway because the motivation to meet their sexual needs trumps the motivation to keep to their agreed relationship boundaries with their partner. If this is the case, it is not a disorder, it is a sexual health conflict between what they want sexually and what is permissible or not within their relationship. However, some people do try very hard to stop their repetitive sexual behaviours without success before they are at high risk of being caught: for these people, important questions need to be asked before we prematurely assume that it is part of the disorder: for example, do they want to stop because they perceive that others (society, religious groups, etc.) would disapprove? If so, it is not a disorder (I explain more about that below). Most people would stop behaviours that do not produce any satisfaction, any pleasure or do not interest or arouse them in any way. The diagnostic criteria for the disorder would only apply to people who do a repetitive sexual behaviour for which they derive almost no pleasure and cannot stop that behaviour. For example, the most common story is a problematic sexual behaviour that provides a sense of feeling connected and loved. Although such behaviour can be destructive if it is outside of their committed relationship, it also provides the satisfaction of connection: this means that the disorder diagnosis must be ruled out. Instead, the patient’s problem can be understood, and treated, as a sexual health behaviour problem. Let’s think about this: meeting this diagnostic criteria is very rare.

3-   The pattern of failure to control intense, sexual impulses or urges and resulting repetitive sexual behaviour is manifested over an extended period of time (e.g. 6 months or more), and causes marked distress or significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational, or other important areas of functioning’. This is another important criteria to explore. People’s sexual behaviour is usually different before and after they get caught by their partner. In fact, it is very rare for patients to come to therapy before they get caught. There is a question over inability to control those urges resulting in repetitive sexual behaviours and choosing not to control them because they produce much pleasure. I think that ‘the pattern of failure to control’ refers to an inability to control sexual impulses and urges (as the disorder is under Impulse Control Disorder).  If people can have continued repetitive sexual behaviours over an extended period of six months or more and not get caught, it means they are highly functioning and very much in control: it takes much planning and organization to hide such behaviours from your partner. After they get caught, it is often when patients report marked distress and significant impairment in personal areas: they have to deal with the consequences of being caught, the intense emotions that their partner feels faced with the discovery of the enormous betrayal, chaos in all areas of their life trying to deal with the fall out of the discovery. People who have not been caught, or those who are single and do not breach any relationship agreements usually do not report marked distress or impairment in their life functioning. The exception is if patients have strong moralistic or religious views over some sexual activities, which is excluded from the diagnosis criteria (see below). Just like the last diagnostic criteria, meeting this criteria for the disorder is very rare. 

4-   Distress that is entirely related to moral judgments and disapproval about sexual impulses, urges, or behaviours is not sufficient to meet this requirement’. This is a crucial component of the diagnosis. It is not possible to diagnose Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder if the patient feels much sexual shame, moral judgement or disapproval from society, families, religious groups, etc. about their sexual impulse, urges or behaviour. It is very common for people to feel distress at their behaviour after they get caught by their partner, the distress coming from their partner disapproving with their illicit sexual activities. For example, a man repetitively seeing a Dominatrix sex worker because he derives much pleasure from BDSM practice is found out by partner who doesn’t practice BDSM: she may feel disgusted by what he had been doing and highly disapproving: the patient then feels great distress at his behaviour and wants to stop: this patient cannot be diagnosed with the disorder. Or a gay man having frequent anonymous sex in sex clubs and feeling his behaviour is ‘wrong’ because of the societal judgement that frequent anonymous sex is undesirable or that his thinking about the behaviour is homonegative cannot be diagnosed with the disorder. If somebody feels bad about their sexual behaviour because they have read a book or a website that is sex-shaming or sex-negative: the diagnosis for the disorder is ruled out. 

Why this last diagnostic component is essential:At the time when the ‘sex addiction’ theories flourished, it was also the time of the AIDS epidemic. Many people were afraid of sex, and the public latched onto the notion that there was much darkness in human sexuality and that the safest way to be was the heterosexual, monogamous way: there was much fear that too much lust can cause harm and disease. I’m not surprised that it was a popular notion then. However, the ‘sex addiction’ model emerged without knowledge or specific training in human sexuality. The people who coined the term ‘sex addiction’ based their understanding of the problem on what they already knew: the 12-step programme which had great success with people suffering from alcoholism. Because compulsive sexual behaviours can feel like an addiction, they assumed it was an addiction and didn’t pay attention to the human sexuality part of the equation: the erotic works in very different ways from alcohol. 

Changing the term is important because the diagnosis informs the treatment. If clinicians continue to call the problem ‘sex addiction’, they are likely to treat their patients with an addiction treatment, which is now clinically unfit as the proper clinical diagnosis refute the addiction element. It is not the faults of clinicians. Most ‘sex addiction’ therapists are well-meaning. But they have been trained in a model that is outdated. 

Now that the notion of addiction is refuted, we can finally open our understanding to other ways of looking at the problem. It means new, updated training that is psycho-sexologically based rather than addiction based, as well as incorporating the impulse control element to it, rather than the addiction methods. It will take some time for clinicians to have their skills upgraded, but we can now have hope that the field is going to move on. 

The process of change:When Carl Rogers promoted a radically different way to approach human psychology which was quite different from the traditional psychoanalysis, it wasn’t accepted with open arms. There was much resistance. Psychoanalysts feared that their knowledge was being attacked and their livelihood at risk. It took years for a change in psychology to be upgraded. Now, we can appreciate the great contribution of Freud, and at the same time not offering a purist Freudian method because there is so much other knowledge. Many psychoanalysts updated their skills and incorporated many other forms of treatment: psychology became enhanced, not threatened. My hope is that the same process can happen in the field of ‘sex addiction’: there will be much protest from the strong addiction believers, but, over time, I am sure many clinicians will update their skills for the benefits of our patients and for the development of our profession. 

As explained above, the diagnostic criteria for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder are very specific: many people will not meet the criteria. It doesn’t mean they don’t have a problem, but it means they don’t have a disorder. We can stop the fear-mongering rhetoric that ‘sex addiction’ is a terrible chronic disease on the rise causing chaos in our neighbourhoods. It is not. And 12-step meetings are not recommended now that we know the problem is not an addiction. 

Most patients that we are likely to see in our consulting room will not have the disorder. They will struggle with competing motivations between sexual urges, needs and gratifications and honouring their relationship agreements. Much like many people have competing motivations between eating a chocolate cake and not wanting to put on weight. 

Now that the ICD-11 has formulated strict diagnostic criteria, the window for clinicians to prematurely and inadequately pathologise sexual behaviours has become much narrower, thankfully. I’m hoping there will be less opportunity for clinician’s own bias and personal opinions about human sexuality poluting their clinical judgements.

Whilst clinicians have to upgrade their skills from the old-fashioned ‘sex addiction’ model, patients may feel confused about how to select their therapist. 
Here is my recommendations: 

1-   I believe that a therapist treating compulsive sexual behaviours and other sexual health behaviour problems need to have had a robust prost-graduate training in psychosexual and relationship therapy. If your therapist is trained in addiction and NOT in psychosexual therapy, you will most likely receive the old-fashioned ‘sex addiction’ treatment. 
2-   If your therapist administers a ‘sex addiction’ test, you may likely be treated with ‘sex addiction’. If your therapist administers tests, they should be clinically appropriate ones such as: The Sexual Symptom Assessment Scale, the ACE test (Adverse Childhood Experiences) or a test on attachment styles which is available for free online. 
3-   Ask your therapist how they will assess and diagnose you: you can go through the Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder criteria with your therapist very carefully and being sure whether you qualify for the disorder diagnosis or not. Remember, meeting the diagnosis is very specific and rare: if your therapist seems too quick or too keen to diagnose you: you have the right to disagree and you have the right not to give consent for your treatment. 
4-   If your therapist says that one of the first things to do is to do 90 days of ‘sobriety’ and encourages you to go to 12-step SLAA or SAA meetings: you are in a ‘sex addiction’ treatment, not the modern sexual health behaviour treatment. There is no clinical evidence that 90 days of ‘sobriety’ has any efficiency anyway, because we cannot ‘reboot’ a brain. This process can actually exponentially increase sexual shame. 
5-   If your therapist says that you need to ‘break through denial’ or that you have to ‘admit being powerless over your illness’: this is an addiction- language which means that your therapist is likely using an addiction model. Under the modern non-addiction model, denial is considered a protection rather than a resistance: we seek to understand how and why the protection is in place and heal the disturbance underneath rather than ‘breaking through’ denial which can increase distress. 
6-   You have a therapist delivering a modern, updated treatment if you hear that impulse control is not activity-specific but it is affect regulation focused. Impulse control is not a chronic disease to manage forever. It is a set of emotional regulation tools to learn along with a deep understanding of the erotic, which can create permanent change. Impulse control is not about admitting powerlessness over the illness. It is the opposite: being conscious of your own agency and how you can make decisions now. 

Given the strict criteria to diagnose Compulsive Sexual Behaviour as a disorder, the clinician’s role is more about undiagnosing than diagnosing: reassuring the public that they do not have a disorder. The sexual health behaviour problem can feel out of control, and it can feel like an addiction which can be treated appropriately with the right therapy. Patients are likely to come in their initial consultation with a ‘sex addiction’ language: it is ok. It is not their job to be educated with the right language and their suffering needs to be validated. But it is our job, as clinicians, to explain to them that they do not suffer a disorder. Just the same way that a doctor might explain that your worrying stomach pain feel frightening but it is not stomach cancer, after a proper assessment and carefully ruling out diagnostic criteria. 

For clinicians wanting to upgrade their knowledge, I recommend the books: 
Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior, Rethinking Sex Addiction, by Douglas Braun-Harvey and Michael A. Vigorito.
Ethical Porn for Dicks by David J. Ley.
The Myth of Sex Addiction by David J. Ley 
The Biology of Desire by Marc Lewis. 

Silva Neves 
Psychosexual and relationship Psychotherapist