The discovery of infidelity
Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful is
always distressing. Most often, it is more than distressing, it is traumatizing.
We call it a relational trauma: It is a trauma
particularly inflicted on one person by another, and is characterized by a
“violation of human connection.” (Herman, 1992).
Relational trauma occurs when one person
betrays, abandons, or refuses to provide support for another person with whom
he or she has developed an attachment bond.
If you have recently discovered that your partner has been
unfaithful, it is likely that you might suffer a trauma after the initial shock
of the discovery.
The discovery can have a varying degree of traumatization. It
depends on a number of factors:
1- How
the discovery was made. Was it a friend telling. Or finding out through texts
or e-mails on electronic devices. Or walking on the act. All of these will have
varying degree of intensity and varying degree of traumatizing effects.
2- The
drip by drip effect: what is often more traumatizing is not to make the discovery
at once. It is common that after an initial discovery, the unfaithful partner
will confess of their infidelity and ask for pardon, but he will not confess
all. Only when you think you can start to recover, that another disclosure
surfaces. And then another. These compound on the trauma.
3- Breach
of trust: if the partner was never suspicious and thought they were in a good
marriage, it can be devastating. Even if there were doubts and the relationship
was rocky, it is distressing. The breach of trust is traumatizing because it is
the foundation of feeling safe. Not feeling safe is distressing.
4- Sexual
wound: if the betrayed partner was exposed to some sexual acts that their
spouse were doing with someone else either seeing pictures, videos or reading
about it on a text, it can create a sexual wound in the partner. The symptoms
for this are: feeling non-sexual, wanting to avoid sexual feelings. Or feeling
more sexual than usual. Feeling physical pain. Feeling intense anger and
sadness. Feeling disgusting, ugly, undesirable.
5- Questioning
who their unfaithful partner is. It can be unsettling to have fundamental
questions and doubts such as: ‘who did I marry?’ ‘I never knew he would be
capable of this’. ‘Was our relationship a lie? A charade?’
There are many symptoms of relational trauma on the
partner:
1- Questioning
self: 'why did he do that?' 'Am I not enough?' 'What's wrong with me?' ‘How did
I not see this coming?’ etc... The partner’ self-esteem and self-confidence is
shattered. The intensity will depend on the nature of the infidelity. Partners will react differently if the infidelity was a love affair or an anonymous sexual encounter.
2- Intense
anger is common. Wanting to hurt the unfaithful partner. Wanting to shout at everybody.
Wanting to harm yourself.
3- Intense
low mood. Crying uncontrollably. Low energy. Wanting to stay in bed all day.
Feeling helpless. Feeling hopeless. Feeling like the future that you had in
mind for your relationship has been destroyed.
4- Becoming
a detective: Trying to watch every move of the unfaithful partner. Trying to
read texts on their phones or ipads when they’re not in the room, scanning
their facial expression ‘who is she thinking about now?’. Trying to install
spying softwares on computers to monitor usage. Etc… This type of behaviour
feels like it is helping regain control of the bad situation, but it only
serves to make the betrayed partner exhausted.
.
5- Sleeping
problems. Often, the betrayed partner will lose sleep, wake up in the middle of
the night, have nightmares.
6- Eating
problems. Partners can lose appetite to the point of serious malnutrition. Or
they can do the opposite: comfort eat more than usual to the point of putting
on a lot of weight.
7- Sexual
problems. This is very common. Partners may either want to avoid any types of
sex or sexual feelings because of the sexual wounding effect of the relational
trauma. Some may experience pain with intercourse or experience sexual dysfunctions
such as erectile dysfunction. Some partners may experience the opposite:
feeling more sexual than usual. Wanting to have sex with their unfaithful
partner much more than usual, in an attempt to reclaim their sexuality or to
try to persuade them not to have sex with others.
8- Acute
anxiety. Some people experience serious anxiety such as panic attacks. For
some, the anxiety is not so obvious, but can be just as serious. It can be a generalized
anxiety about not feeling safe in their relationship and in their home. ‘Did he
have sex with someone in our home?’ ‘What am I going to come home to today?’ ‘I
don’t feel at home anymore’. ‘I don’t feel comfortable anywhere anymore’. ‘Who
am I?’. ‘What if she is having sex with someone right now?’. ‘Perhaps I should
be there with my spouse all the time to stop him from sleeping with someone
else.’ Etc.
9- Negative
cognition. Having negative thoughts about ourselves is a common lasting symptom
of trauma. ‘Why did I not see it coming?’. ‘I'm stupid’. ‘Only an idiot would
have married this person’. ‘I must have been blind’. ‘What’s wrong with me?’ ‘I
must be bad in bed’. Etc.
If you have recently discovered that your partner has
been unfaithful, what are the first steps to recovery?
1- Get
tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). The NHS sexual health clinic 56
Dean Street and Dean Street Express based in Soho offers fast and confidential
services.
2- Self-care:
speak to a therapist specialized in this area. Speak to a trusted close friend.
Eat and sleep properly. Take some time off if necessary or engage in work more
if work provides a good sense of self-esteem.
3- Look
after your children. Don't pretend nothing is happening, but don't tell them
the full story if they are too young.
4- Don't
become a detective, and don't ask too many questions even if you really want
to. Wanting to know everything is a common response because it makes you feel
you can regain control. But in fact it does the opposite: it traumatizes you
further. Once you know facts, you can't un-know them: sexual acts, what she was
wearing, what she looks like, etc... All of these will become triggers for
anger, depression and anxiety only. It is not helpful.
5- Don't
make any decisions about your relationship for 3 months. Just look after
yourself. Make a decision when there is less intense emotions to be more
rational. Think it through, seek advice, including legal advice if you are
thinking about a divorce.
Looking ahead:
A lot of couples can recover from an infidelity, and even
from multiple infidelities. It can be an opportunity for growth, and to
transform the relationship. Couples therapy is necessary for that. Please find
an appropriately trained and experienced therapist specialist in this area. You
can find a list of therapists on the COSRT website: www.cosrt.org.uk .
Some couples do not recover from infidelity. A proper
plan when both partners can remain respectful is important. Couples therapy is
also highly recommended to help the process of separation. Seek legal advice
too. Speak to children ahead of time to prepare them properly and reassure
them. A specialist therapist can guide you through this.
Infidelity in a committed relationship is distressing and
traumatizing. It is important to remember that there is help available from
specialist therapists. And it is important to know that recovery and healing
from an affair or infidelity is possible, either for yourself as an individual or for the relationship,
or both.
Silva Neves © November 2015
