From Shame to Grace
On March 28th 2014, the UK legalised equal marriage. The first
same-sex wedding ceremonies were performed at the stroke of midnight.
It was only in 1973 that The American Psychiatric Association (APA) de-categorised homosexuality as a mental illness. Since then, the journey towards acceptance has been long and arduous. Today, the gay community can celebrate significant progress. Same-sex couples are now accorded marriage rights equal to those of their heterosexual counterparts. Couples can now have the equal ‘married’ status, the same as heterosexual couples.
However, it is important to remember that the global struggle is far from over. In so many countries, being gay is not only illegal but is an offence punishable by death.
Clients who came to Britain to escape such countries said:
‘My mother would rather die than have a gay son’
‘I bring the worst disappointment a man can bring to his family’
‘My soul is crushed each time I think about being gay’.
For these clients, coming out to their family is not an option:
‘If I came out, a family member, probably my uncle, would come to London, find me and kill me’.
It is admirable that the UK has opened its doors to asylum seekers facing death on the grounds of their sexual orientation. However, we don’t have to go far to find homophobic behaviour, as it happens right here, in Britain, too.
It was only in 1973 that The American Psychiatric Association (APA) de-categorised homosexuality as a mental illness. Since then, the journey towards acceptance has been long and arduous. Today, the gay community can celebrate significant progress. Same-sex couples are now accorded marriage rights equal to those of their heterosexual counterparts. Couples can now have the equal ‘married’ status, the same as heterosexual couples.
However, it is important to remember that the global struggle is far from over. In so many countries, being gay is not only illegal but is an offence punishable by death.
Clients who came to Britain to escape such countries said:
‘My mother would rather die than have a gay son’
‘I bring the worst disappointment a man can bring to his family’
‘My soul is crushed each time I think about being gay’.
For these clients, coming out to their family is not an option:
‘If I came out, a family member, probably my uncle, would come to London, find me and kill me’.
It is admirable that the UK has opened its doors to asylum seekers facing death on the grounds of their sexual orientation. However, we don’t have to go far to find homophobic behaviour, as it happens right here, in Britain, too.
Although
laws can change overnight, just as it happened with marriage equality, the
personal view of people is much harder and slower to change. There is still
much discrimination in the UK based on sexual orientation.
As a minority population that is experiencing discrimination, it is not surprising that a large number of gay people seek professional help for depression, self-harm, addiction and suicide attempts.
Some of my clients that are openly gay with their family, friends and work colleagues still experience struggles because, as one client said:
‘We live in a straight world’.
What does this mean for gay people?
We always hear about ‘coming out of the closet’: revealing your sexuality to mum and dad. Indeed, coming out to your parents is one of the most frightening prospects because there is a huge risk of being rejected and abandoned by the family. In some cases, there is even a risk of violence. But to assume that once you’ve come out to your parents everything will be fine is simplistic.
As ‘we live in a straight world’, gay people are constantly ‘coming out’, throughout their lives.
As a minority population that is experiencing discrimination, it is not surprising that a large number of gay people seek professional help for depression, self-harm, addiction and suicide attempts.
Some of my clients that are openly gay with their family, friends and work colleagues still experience struggles because, as one client said:
‘We live in a straight world’.
What does this mean for gay people?
We always hear about ‘coming out of the closet’: revealing your sexuality to mum and dad. Indeed, coming out to your parents is one of the most frightening prospects because there is a huge risk of being rejected and abandoned by the family. In some cases, there is even a risk of violence. But to assume that once you’ve come out to your parents everything will be fine is simplistic.
As ‘we live in a straight world’, gay people are constantly ‘coming out’, throughout their lives.
One client
said: ‘Only a few days after I started my new job, a colleague asked the
awkward question: do you have a girlfriend? I was paralysed for a second. What
do I say? Do I lie? Do I say something really vague? Or do I tell the truth?
Well, I decided to come out and I said no, I don’t have a girlfriend, I have a
boyfriend. And then, I was faced with a stereotypical clumsy response. Oh
really? You don’t look gay because you’re manly’
Another client said: ‘when we moved flat, it was obvious that we were a gay couple. I mean, you know, we both got communal stuff out of the van into our one bedroom flat. It was a sunny day. People were out. Neighbours were out. They looked; some with a smile, some with a frown. I suppose that was our neighbourhood coming out done right there and then!’
Now that equal marriage is legal, being able to call your same-sex life partner ‘wife’ or ‘husband’ is, I believe, a wonderful step forward. But it will take time before the ‘coming out’ process becomes obsolete.
In my work with gay clients, I have found that there is a lot of shame around sexuality, often unconsciously, because when growing up they absorbed homophobic messages:
‘If you’re not good at sports you’re a sissy’
‘Gay people are disgusting’
‘It’s not normal to be gay’.
This is emphasised by the language of school pupils. Calling something ‘gay’ is done so pejoratively, suggesting that something is faulty, broken or worthless.
As well as the homophobic messages absorbed throughout childhood, gay people often feel different from their school peers.
A client said:‘How could I argue with my bullies? They called me a poof, and I knew deep down that I was one’.
Another client said: ‘when we moved flat, it was obvious that we were a gay couple. I mean, you know, we both got communal stuff out of the van into our one bedroom flat. It was a sunny day. People were out. Neighbours were out. They looked; some with a smile, some with a frown. I suppose that was our neighbourhood coming out done right there and then!’
Now that equal marriage is legal, being able to call your same-sex life partner ‘wife’ or ‘husband’ is, I believe, a wonderful step forward. But it will take time before the ‘coming out’ process becomes obsolete.
In my work with gay clients, I have found that there is a lot of shame around sexuality, often unconsciously, because when growing up they absorbed homophobic messages:
‘If you’re not good at sports you’re a sissy’
‘Gay people are disgusting’
‘It’s not normal to be gay’.
This is emphasised by the language of school pupils. Calling something ‘gay’ is done so pejoratively, suggesting that something is faulty, broken or worthless.
As well as the homophobic messages absorbed throughout childhood, gay people often feel different from their school peers.
A client said:‘How could I argue with my bullies? They called me a poof, and I knew deep down that I was one’.
Sometimes,
that feeling of being different happens in the pre-pubescent years, long before
the person has any ideas or understanding about sexuality. This feeling of
being different translates into the subconscious with a message similar to: ‘I
am wrong’. And this message is the seed of shame.
Beyond school, when the gay man grows up and starts to acquaint himself with the gay scene, new confusing messages start to appear. The gay media is mainly concerned with looking young, looking gorgeous, partying and being a sex god.
Clients say:
‘I go to the gym seven days a week, for two hours each time, and I still don’t look right’
‘I’m afraid I will lose my erection and that would be completely unacceptable’
‘What is there to gay life? You work and make money, then you spend your money on designer clothes, personal trainers, clubs, drugs, having a good time at the weekend, and then you start your week all over again’
‘I have great friends. I have an accepting family. But I feel so lonely because I’m not like all the other gay guys out there. I don’t like clubbing and I don’t go to the gym’
It can be very difficult for gay people to find their sense of self. There are no alternatives to what it is like to be gay other than the confusing messages of the gay scene. If you feel you don’t fit into these restrictive gay stereotypes, then, what else is there? A lot of my clients think there is nothing else. And this taps into the inadequacy felt in childhood and grows into significant shame.
Beyond school, when the gay man grows up and starts to acquaint himself with the gay scene, new confusing messages start to appear. The gay media is mainly concerned with looking young, looking gorgeous, partying and being a sex god.
Clients say:
‘I go to the gym seven days a week, for two hours each time, and I still don’t look right’
‘I’m afraid I will lose my erection and that would be completely unacceptable’
‘What is there to gay life? You work and make money, then you spend your money on designer clothes, personal trainers, clubs, drugs, having a good time at the weekend, and then you start your week all over again’
‘I have great friends. I have an accepting family. But I feel so lonely because I’m not like all the other gay guys out there. I don’t like clubbing and I don’t go to the gym’
It can be very difficult for gay people to find their sense of self. There are no alternatives to what it is like to be gay other than the confusing messages of the gay scene. If you feel you don’t fit into these restrictive gay stereotypes, then, what else is there? A lot of my clients think there is nothing else. And this taps into the inadequacy felt in childhood and grows into significant shame.
This
unconscious shame is often prevalent in the choices that gay people make in
adult life. One of the main problems that my gay clients come to me for is that
they feel unable to start, build and maintain an intimate relationship. They
put themselves at risk by practising unsafe sex. They developed an addiction or
multiple addictions. They experience sexual dysfunctions such as erectile
problems. They feel lost, unhappy and depressed.
It can be a challenge to be gay in a straight world. But, with psychosexual and relationship therapy, gay men can rebuild rewarding and fulfilling lives. Nurture can replace shame. And, eventually, they can move from feeling stuck and isolated to planning their wedding day with the love of their life.
Originally published by Silva Neves in May 2014.
It can be a challenge to be gay in a straight world. But, with psychosexual and relationship therapy, gay men can rebuild rewarding and fulfilling lives. Nurture can replace shame. And, eventually, they can move from feeling stuck and isolated to planning their wedding day with the love of their life.
Originally published by Silva Neves in May 2014.
Also published in WellGay.uk, website by 56 Dean
Street clinic.
Also published in Fidelity, The journal for the
National Council of Psychotherapists, Spring 2015.
