Yes! No! When your partner has a different sex drive

Struggling with your partner having a different sex drive is one of the top reasons couples come to see me. Couples often feel angry, resentful, sad or hurt because of unsatisfying frequency or quality in their sex life. 

First, I say to couples that it is usual. I also acknowledge the pain that it causes. The person wanting more sex often feels rejected, unloved or undesired. The person wanting less sex often feels irritated by the sexual demands of their partner, they can feel that their partner is pestering them, they often become avoidant of any touch or kind words for fear that their partner will take the wrong hint that would lead to an expectation of sex. 

The result is a relationship that feels distant, cold and, as time passes, more and more hopeless. 

There are many things you can do to resolve the situation: 

1-   Medical/ hormonal investigation. Low sex drive can be caused by low testosterone. A high sex drive can be the result of high testosterone. Checking your levels can be a good idea to identify if your problem can be resolved medically. 

2-   Communication factor. Develop a sexual language in your day to day life to maintain a sense of the erotic. For example swap: ‘You look good in those jeans’ with ‘you look sexy in those jeans’.  An important rule to follow is: no expectation of sex. It means that both partner can be free to play with a sexual language without the anxiety of having sex. 

3-    The importance of touch. Following the same rule of no sex expectation: you can be free to learn to touch each other’s body and re-discover it without the anxiety to have sex. Be curious about the areas of your body and your partner’s body that are sensitive and bring pleasure. Even if you get aroused, you can stay with the sensual play without having sex. Take some time to stay sensual, and build up an anticipation for sex. You can also use sex toys to enhance the experience of touch. 

4-   Sharing sexual fantasies. This can be harder than you may think. Many people struggle to do so. We usually keep our fantasies in our private world. You may have sexual fantasies that you are curious to try out in reality, and you may have other sexual fantasies that you do not wish to try. Both are ok. Getting to know each other’s erotic world can be a fun and exciting adventure. 

5-   Honest conversation about what you like and don’t like in sex. So often, couples have sex without talking honestly about it. It can lead to some awkwardness and even make people avoid sex. They might be parts of your body that you don’t like to be touched. Or there may be a specific sexual activity that is a no-go for you. 

6-   The meaning of sex. It has a massive influence on our sex drive and how we have sex. For some, sex means entertainment: it doesn’t matter if it is sex with a loved one or a stranger, it is a pleasurable experience. For some other people, sex is a pathway to deep connection, an expression of love. Some people have negative meanings of sex: they think that sex is dirty, or it is somewhat wrong. Or there can be a lot of shame in someone’s erotic world. Having an exploration and knowing what meaning you put on sex will help you understand your sex drive and navigate your sex life. 

7-   Setting realistic expectation. This is another honest conversation to have. Your partner will probably not want sex exactly when you want it. If you want sex five times a day but your partner is satisfied with sex twice a month, you can discuss how to meet half-way. Also, good sex is not only a matter of frequency: quality is also important to consider. Is making reasonable compromise on your sex life worth it to keep the relationship with your loved one? 

8-   Getting yourself in the mood. Often people mistakenly think that they have to be ‘in the mood’ for sex. For some people, waiting to be in the mood could mean waiting forever. We don’t need to wait for sexual desire, as long as we can feel sexual arousal. If you’re not in the mood, you can touch your genitals until you become sexual aroused, and by then, you may be more in the mood for sex. Make sure that you only do so when you fully consent to sexual activities. Getting yourself in the mood doesn’t mean that you have to force yourself to have sex when you really don’t want to. 

9-   You can download a helpful app: Pillow. It contains many different episodes to guide you with exploring your sex life. 

Navigating your sex life with the different libido to your partner is a usual struggle many couples face. It is not the sign of a relationship going wrong. And it can be resolved with many different steps. Take your time, approach the issue with empathy for yourself and your partner. And be courageous to step into an erotic exploration together. Have fun. 

Silva Neves 

Chemsex: The high cost of temporary relief

As a psychosexual psychotherapist working with the gay community I often sit with men struggling with Chemsex. You may think of Chemsex parties as a place of total chill out but what I see in my consulting room is the dark side. Sadly, men come to me mostly when death has brushed past them. I frequently hear: ‘a friend of mine has just died because of Chemsex. He was only 30. I don’t want this to happen to me’.

The statistics are worrying: Chemsex behaviours are so prevalent amongst gay men that clinicians call it an epidemic. It is a problem that is observed in all major cities in the UK and worldwide. So, what makes Chemsex so popular?

Of course, the answer is complex. Here in the UK we can be grateful for the rights that the gay community have. However, homophobia persists, mostly covertly. Gay men can easily feel that they are different from other boys at a very young age. They tend to make sense of it with words like: ‘there is something wrong with me’ or ‘I am wrong’ which then become core beliefs as they grow up. As an adult, they may not be conscious of these core beliefs. They may think: ‘I’m out, I’m proud, all is good’. But, deep down into the caverns of the unconscious, the ‘I am wrong’ belief festers and pulls the strings. I often hear: ‘gay men only want sex’, ‘it’s hard to find a partner because nobody wants a relationship’. When I hear these comments, what I really hear is the unconscious core belief: it gets in a way of meaningful relationships. Avoiding intimacy protects them from the fear of looking within and facing those core beliefs, which are scary and painful.

This is where Chemsex comes in handy. The typical drugs taken are crystal meth bringing euphoria and sexual arousal. And GHB or GBL which are powerful dishinibitors. The combination is remarkable: all the shame and anxiety about that gay men harbour melt away into a euphoric sexual world. I hear men say: ‘it is the only time where I feel a sense of real connection with others’, ‘I don’t have to worry about my body, I am guaranteed to be accepted’. Chemsex is an epidemic because for a period of time, it gives the illusion to heal the pain of being gay in a heterosexual world, and it feels so good.

However, there is a high cost to pay for this temporary relief.

1-    A financial cost: drugs are not cheap. Some neglect to pay their bills so they can do Chemsex: it is a fast track into homelessness and despair.

2-    A physiological cost: your body goes into distress and it takes a long time to recover. People report struggling with their focus from Monday to Wednesday after a weekend of Chemsex binge.

3-    A sexual health cost: the illusion of connectedness encourages unprotected sex: it can be a true abandon of all the rules that the heterosexual world imposed on them, including ‘you must use a condom’. There is a high risk of contracting HIV and HepC as well as a myriad of other sexually transmitted infections.

4-    A sexual trauma cost: clear sexual consent can be blurred, which is a serious concern because men can be sexually traumatized.

5-    A psychological cost: once the illusion has worn off, the ‘I am wrong’ core belief comes back with a vengeance, adding on an extra layer of shame: ‘you are wrong, you had sex with many strangers in a random guy’s flat. You didn’t even fancy most of them. Meanwhile, your fridge is empty, you didn’t get to do your laundry. What a stupid man you are. Straight people don’t do that.’. This is a terrible narrative that is very common on a come down. Some people go into such despair with these negative self-talks that they want more drugs to get away from this psychological pain. And the cycle of Chemsex starts again. Over time, the only contact with gay people will be those engaging in Chemsex which re-inforces the core belief: ‘all gays are the same’. This is, of course, inaccurate.

If you want to feel connected with others, you can do it sober. If you want to be free from the unconscious core beliefs, it is possible with therapy: go for it, it is a wonderful investment which cost is much less than the ones of Chemsex.

The answer to feeling better in your own skin and having great connected sex with other men lie within you. And I believe the gay community can do more to help. We should be kinder to each other, less rejecting, more accepting.

In my consulting room, I help my clients to be courageous and embrace vulnerability with their sober sexual encounters: it is hard to start with, but also a wonderful experience. My hope for the gay community is that we can create a new way of being gay in the world that we live in: a place where we foster self-love, self-care and total acceptance for each other. Then, perhaps, the rest of the world can learn from the gay community.

What is good sex?

Sex is one of those topics that everybody talks about and everybody has opinions about. What I mostly hear in my consulting room is that people don’t have good sex education and they compare themselves to what they think others do in bed.

In the absence of good sex education, what we have left to rely on is pornographic films, which is entertainment and not an accurate depiction of every day sex, or your friends boasting about their sex life being amazing.

Deep down, many people are confused about what good sex really is, and many people wonder if their sex life is good enough. Some people criticise their sex life as ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’. Some people ask me questions like: ‘Am I normal for having a fetish?’,  ‘Am I unhealthy for having lots of sex?’, ‘Do I masturbate too much?’, ‘Should I feel more sexual?’, ‘Am I strange for not liking penetration?’ And so on and so forth.

When we talk about sex, we tend to focus on the particular acts rather than on the broad view of sexuality: human sexuality is rich and varied and there are thousands of ways to have sex and be sexual. One person’s favourite sexual activity can be another person’s repulsion. How can we even begin to identify what is good or bad, healthy or unhealthy without falling into the trap of being opinionated, judgemental, critical and shaming?

I invite you to think about your sex life differently. If you want to know if the sex you’re having is good or bad, stop focusing on sexual acts and instead think about sexual health principles. There are six of them:

1-    Consent. Consent can only be expressed from a person aged 16 or over, with a fully functioning brain. Consent cannot be expressed from a person who has impaired thinking under the influence of drugs or alcohol, for example. Consent to exercise your sexual right to have sex with whomever you choose should be unambiguous. If there is doubt, take some extra time to have a conversation with your sexual partners to make sure the cooperation between you is clear. 

2-    Non-exploitation. This means to do what you and your partner(s) have agreed to do without any coercion using power or control for sexual gratification.

3-    Protection from HIV, STIs and unwanted pregnancy. It is your responsibility to protect yourself and your partner from unwanted pregnancy. And it is also your responsibility to make sure that you are at low risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. Often it requires a honest conversation with your partner, and an explicit agreement on how you are going to protect each other. If you have a STI that is infectious, it is your responsibility to put protection in place that won't knowingly infect your partner(s).

4-    Honesty. Being honest and upfront with your sexual desires and sexual needs is important. Everybody is different, and human sexuality is diverse. It is likely that your partner may not know all of what you like, need or want sexually. In fact, some people are not in touch with their own sexual landscape and all the parts of their body that is erogenous. Being able to express to your partner what you want or need is important. It can be difficult and it is a courageous conversation to have, because you can risk hearing your partner saying that they don't like what you like. When couples stay in a place of honesty and truth, often they can work some things out between them to achieve a fulfilling sex life.

5-    Shared values. It is important that you and your sexual partner are 'on the same page' about what is acceptable and what is not. Our values are important to us because it informs us on what specific sexual acts means to us and contributes to our motivation for having sex. Conversations about values can clarify important aspects of your sexual health which will help with giving consent to have sex.

6-    Mutual pleasure. Pleasure is an important component of sex. For good sexual health, it is crucial that you make sure that what you do bring you pleasure and at the same time, to be able to hear what your partner finds pleasurable. It is a good idea to talk about it with your partner because it is not possible to assume. We usually feel good when we bring pleasure to our partners and we also feel good when we feel pleasure ourselves.

You can stop thinking about being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ in bed. You can stop worrying about your kinky sex life being healthy or not. If you move away from opinions about specific sexual acts, there is no judgments to be made and you can ensure your sexual life to be good by meeting the six principles of sexual health.  

Have fun!

Silva Neves