Screaming and Shouting
Couples argue sometimes. On occasion, it is even healthy for couples to
argue. We’re only human. Sometimes we say the wrong thing at the wrong time to
our partner, with the wrong tone of voice. And it hurts them. And it escalates
into an argument. And sometimes, couples end up raising their voices at one
another for a short time. Then they make up, apologise , and move on. This is
life.
However for many couples, arguments do not occur in this way. Some couples argue so frequently that they cannot remember the times when they do get on. Or when they have a good time with their partner, they cannot enjoy it because they are always dreading the end of the ‘good time’ and expecting the next argument to explode at any time. Some couples find it impossible to resolve conflicts. Once the shouting is over they are left without a resolution, the problems then fester, only to have the same problem resurface a week later with another argument.
Many people that come to see me report that the arguments are so frequent, with so little resolution, they feel completely miserable. In my previous blog, I wrote about good relationships being good for us because it boosts the immune system and is a source of happiness. By contrast, a relationship that is soaked in anger, resentment, disagreement and arguments can make one ill. My clients have reported getting frequent colds, having panic attacks, feeling muscle tension, having frequent headaches, insomnia, and sometimes feeling so hopeless they start to have suicidal thoughts. Living in such a relationship can chip away your self-esteem little by little until you lose your sense of self.
Some couples are so angry that they argue about everything: who takes the rubbish out, who does the dishes, who takes all the cover s in bed, where to go on holiday, who picks up the children from school, and so forth.
In some relationships, the anger and resentment is so deep that the breach it had created between the two partners is too wide to repair. Some people in this situation decide to leave the relationship. If this is the case, and depending on the length of the relationship, a therapeutic ending may be advisable, for proper closure.
Many people in angry relationships feel they cannot leave the relationship because, deep down, they love their partner. Indeed, they were once in love. But there are just too many arguments and bad feelings, and they believe things need to change. This is often at this point that people decide to come to therapy, either as individuals or as a couple.
In couples therapy, the anger, resentment and lack of conflict resolution between the two partners can be healed. They often learn that it is hard to fully understand the other person’s world. In fact, sometimes, it is not possible because we all experience life differently. We all have a different set of emotional responses to some events. However, by facilitating a process of therapeutic dialogue, each partner can begin to build a bridge between their own worlds and meet in the middle, free of anger and resentment.
Good communication is one of the key elements to a better relationship.
There are five easy communication tips that each partner can use to begin to decrease anger, resentment and, in turn, the intensity level of arguments:
1- Use the ‘I ’- statement. Saying ‘you’ makes you be a parental figure and will trigger a defensive response from your partner. Instead of saying: ‘you make me angry’, how about saying: ‘I feel angry’. Replace ‘you never do the dishes’ with ‘I notice the dishes have not been done today’.
2- Try to avoid words such as ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘mustn’t’, ‘shouldn’t’. It is likely that when you hear these kind of words, you will be reminded of authoritarian figures such as your parents or teachers. Again, it will trigger a defensive response from your partner. Instead of saying: ‘you should stop smoking’ how about: ‘I feel smoking is not healthy and I worry that you might get sick in the future’. Replace: ‘you must tidy up the house before our guests arrive’ with ‘I would appreciate if you could help me get ready before our guests arrive. If I cook the meal, would you be happy to clean the house?’
However for many couples, arguments do not occur in this way. Some couples argue so frequently that they cannot remember the times when they do get on. Or when they have a good time with their partner, they cannot enjoy it because they are always dreading the end of the ‘good time’ and expecting the next argument to explode at any time. Some couples find it impossible to resolve conflicts. Once the shouting is over they are left without a resolution, the problems then fester, only to have the same problem resurface a week later with another argument.
Many people that come to see me report that the arguments are so frequent, with so little resolution, they feel completely miserable. In my previous blog, I wrote about good relationships being good for us because it boosts the immune system and is a source of happiness. By contrast, a relationship that is soaked in anger, resentment, disagreement and arguments can make one ill. My clients have reported getting frequent colds, having panic attacks, feeling muscle tension, having frequent headaches, insomnia, and sometimes feeling so hopeless they start to have suicidal thoughts. Living in such a relationship can chip away your self-esteem little by little until you lose your sense of self.
Some couples are so angry that they argue about everything: who takes the rubbish out, who does the dishes, who takes all the cover s in bed, where to go on holiday, who picks up the children from school, and so forth.
In some relationships, the anger and resentment is so deep that the breach it had created between the two partners is too wide to repair. Some people in this situation decide to leave the relationship. If this is the case, and depending on the length of the relationship, a therapeutic ending may be advisable, for proper closure.
Many people in angry relationships feel they cannot leave the relationship because, deep down, they love their partner. Indeed, they were once in love. But there are just too many arguments and bad feelings, and they believe things need to change. This is often at this point that people decide to come to therapy, either as individuals or as a couple.
In couples therapy, the anger, resentment and lack of conflict resolution between the two partners can be healed. They often learn that it is hard to fully understand the other person’s world. In fact, sometimes, it is not possible because we all experience life differently. We all have a different set of emotional responses to some events. However, by facilitating a process of therapeutic dialogue, each partner can begin to build a bridge between their own worlds and meet in the middle, free of anger and resentment.
Good communication is one of the key elements to a better relationship.
There are five easy communication tips that each partner can use to begin to decrease anger, resentment and, in turn, the intensity level of arguments:
1- Use the ‘I ’- statement. Saying ‘you’ makes you be a parental figure and will trigger a defensive response from your partner. Instead of saying: ‘you make me angry’, how about saying: ‘I feel angry’. Replace ‘you never do the dishes’ with ‘I notice the dishes have not been done today’.
2- Try to avoid words such as ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘mustn’t’, ‘shouldn’t’. It is likely that when you hear these kind of words, you will be reminded of authoritarian figures such as your parents or teachers. Again, it will trigger a defensive response from your partner. Instead of saying: ‘you should stop smoking’ how about: ‘I feel smoking is not healthy and I worry that you might get sick in the future’. Replace: ‘you must tidy up the house before our guests arrive’ with ‘I would appreciate if you could help me get ready before our guests arrive. If I cook the meal, would you be happy to clean the house?’
3- Listen
to each other actively. When you ask your partner: ‘how was your day?’ be
prepared to hear more than ‘fine’. Be curious about your partner’s life. Ask
more questions: ‘what do you mean by fine? I really would like to know’.
4- Clarify what you heard your partner say and validate it. For example, if your partner talks about a bad day at work, and you don’t have experience in the field of work of your partner, you can validate and clarify saying something like: ‘I don’t understand what it is like to have a boss like yours, but I can definitely hear that it is very hard on you. When you say you are fed up, what do you mean? Tell me more.’ This type of conversation is not about an attempt to fix things for your partner or make things better for them, it is only about being curious about your partner’s life and truly being present in the relationship.
5- State your needs clearly. Often, couples think they can read each other’s mind. But this is not true. Couples only make assumptions, and often assumptions are wrong. Therefore, it is important to state your needs clearly to your partner. A common example is sex. When one partner initiates sex and the other doesn’t want it, if there is no dialogue, you will make assumptions: ‘I’m not attractive enough’, ‘why doesn’t he /she want to have sex with me?’, ‘is there someone else?’ However, if you state clearly what is going on, the dialogue would sound something like this:
‘I have had a really busy day at work and I feel exhausted. I would rather sit on the sofa with you and watch television.’
‘You do not want to have sex with me because you are exhausted. Am I right?’
‘Yes’.
Another example of stating your needs clearly would be:
‘I know it is my turn to wash the dishes, but I really don’t want to do it today. Is it ok if I do it tomorrow?’
‘It has been ages since we have done something nice together. I really would love going out to a restaurant sometime soon. What do you think?’
Often, problems of anger and resentment in the relationship are more complex than just a communication problem. Couples therapy is very valuable to look at all of the issues that may contribute to the wedge that is established in between the partners. The communication tips above can be used to start the process towards better dialogue but it is not the only challenge that many couples need to address in order to have a better relationship.
These tips seem simple, but they can be difficult to stick to in a relationship. It is often easier to get started with a new way to communicate with the help of a trained couples therapist than on your own. But, with time and effort to change the couple’s dialogue, negative emotions can be overcome.
Of course, we’re only human , so there will be moments when you say the wrong thing at the wrong time with the wrong tone of voice, but these instances will be less and less frequent, and, hopefully, mutual intimacy will replace what once was anger and distance between the two partners.
Originally published by Silva Neves in March 2014.
4- Clarify what you heard your partner say and validate it. For example, if your partner talks about a bad day at work, and you don’t have experience in the field of work of your partner, you can validate and clarify saying something like: ‘I don’t understand what it is like to have a boss like yours, but I can definitely hear that it is very hard on you. When you say you are fed up, what do you mean? Tell me more.’ This type of conversation is not about an attempt to fix things for your partner or make things better for them, it is only about being curious about your partner’s life and truly being present in the relationship.
5- State your needs clearly. Often, couples think they can read each other’s mind. But this is not true. Couples only make assumptions, and often assumptions are wrong. Therefore, it is important to state your needs clearly to your partner. A common example is sex. When one partner initiates sex and the other doesn’t want it, if there is no dialogue, you will make assumptions: ‘I’m not attractive enough’, ‘why doesn’t he /she want to have sex with me?’, ‘is there someone else?’ However, if you state clearly what is going on, the dialogue would sound something like this:
‘I have had a really busy day at work and I feel exhausted. I would rather sit on the sofa with you and watch television.’
‘You do not want to have sex with me because you are exhausted. Am I right?’
‘Yes’.
Another example of stating your needs clearly would be:
‘I know it is my turn to wash the dishes, but I really don’t want to do it today. Is it ok if I do it tomorrow?’
‘It has been ages since we have done something nice together. I really would love going out to a restaurant sometime soon. What do you think?’
Often, problems of anger and resentment in the relationship are more complex than just a communication problem. Couples therapy is very valuable to look at all of the issues that may contribute to the wedge that is established in between the partners. The communication tips above can be used to start the process towards better dialogue but it is not the only challenge that many couples need to address in order to have a better relationship.
These tips seem simple, but they can be difficult to stick to in a relationship. It is often easier to get started with a new way to communicate with the help of a trained couples therapist than on your own. But, with time and effort to change the couple’s dialogue, negative emotions can be overcome.
Of course, we’re only human , so there will be moments when you say the wrong thing at the wrong time with the wrong tone of voice, but these instances will be less and less frequent, and, hopefully, mutual intimacy will replace what once was anger and distance between the two partners.
Originally published by Silva Neves in March 2014.
