I love you so don’t tell
Child sexual abuse has been reported and discussed in the
news recently. So far, the debate has centred on public figures who have
sexually abused children and organisations which have enabled such abuse to
take place.
This is, of course, a very important debate, which brings
forth the horror of childhood sexual abuse. But it is also important to
remember that child sexual abuse does not only happen in such a way. Most child
sexual abuse happens behind closed doors, within the family.
A study conducted by the NSPCC revealed that 70% of
sexual offences against children were perpetrated by abusers known or related
to the victim. 93% of victims under the age of 18 know their attacker.
Child sexual abuse involves the abuse of power, the
exploitation of the vulnerability of the child and the sexual arousal of the
adult. The majority of child sexual abuse goes unreported with no prosecution.
International research studies indicate that between 60% and 90% of child
sexual abuse never comes to the attention of the police.
A recent UK study published by the NSPCC showed that 1 in
9 young adults between the age of 18 and 24 had experienced ‘contact sexual
abuse’ during their childhood. In another NSPCC study published in 2000, 72% of
sexually abused children did not tell anyone at the time and 27% told someone
later. 31% still had not told anyone about the abuse by the time they reached
adulthood. Because most child sexual abuse goes undetected, these statistics
are potentially largely underestimated.
Although discourse around sexual abuse has become more
prevalent in the media, disclosing sexual abuse perpetrated by a relative who
was supposed to love and care for you remains very challenging. In my opinion,
child sexual abuse will continue to go unreported and undetected because of its
traumatic nature.
The clients I see do not come to me saying: ‘I have been
sexually abused as a child’. They come to me for sexual problems or perhaps
because they find it impossible to connect and be intimate with a partner, or
perhaps because they have an aversion to sex, etc. Sometimes a history of
childhood sexual abuse emerge as my clients talk about their problems.
The impact of child sexual abuse in adult survivors are:
1- Low self-esteem or self-hatred
2- Depression
3- Guilt, shame and blame. Survivors often feel
guilty because they think they attracted the abuser, or they made no attempts
to stop it. They can also feel a lot of shame because they experienced physical
pleasure when erogenous zones were touched.
Sleep disturbance. The trauma of sexual abuse
may create a lot of anxiety, which disturbs sleep. The bedroom may also be a
traumatic place if the abuse occurred in the child's own bed.
4- Lack of trust for anyone. Many survivors were
betrayed by the very people that were supposed to love and care for them
(family, teachers, etc.) who insisted they loved them even whilst abusing them.
It is not surprising that learning to trust someone as an adult can be
extremely difficult.
5- Re-victimisation. Many survivors find
themselves in abusive relationships or dangerous situations.
6- Flashbacks. Many survivors re-experience the
sexual abuse as if it were occurring in the present moment. This is usually
accompanied by images of the abuse. These flashbacks are often triggered by an
event, every day actions such as the touch of a hand, or smells that remind the
survivor of the sexual abuse.
7- Dissociation. This is a process where the mind
detaches itself from the experience because it is too much to process at the
time. This loss of connection to thoughts and feelings is a coping mechanism,
but it can affect the survivors' life by repressing feelings.
8- Sexuality and intimacy problems. Many survivors
have to deal with the trauma that their first sexual experience was an abuse.
Survivors can have sexual dysfunctions such as vaginismus (impossible to have
penetrative sex), erectile dysfunction, sexual shame. Gay men who have been
abused by men in childhood may also experience a lot of shame about their
sexual orientation. Heterosexual men that have been abused by men may feel that
their masculinity has been compromised. Survivors also experience difficulties
being intimate with their partners as adults.
Adult survivors of sexual abuse use coping mechanisms to
attempt to soothe their trauma. Some of the coping mechanisms are:
1- Grieving for a childhood that they never had:
innocence, nurture, warmth, safety, positive relationships with family members.
During their grieving they may experience deep sadness, jealousy and intense
anger. These feelings may go inwards (self-hatred and depression) or outwards
(blaming their partners, projecting anger onto others, pushing people away in
order to avoid intimacy).
2- Alcohol and drugs. Substances can act as an
escape from intense feelings, especially when experiencing terror and helplessness.
3- Eating disorder. A compulsive control of food
intake can be a way to take back control over their body, the control that was denied in the abuse.
4- Self-harm. Burning or cutting the skin are some
ways for a survivor to relieve intense anxiety triggered by memories of the
abuse.
As a psychosexual and relationship therapist, I often
work with the trauma of sexual abuse, and I have seen change and healing happen
before my eyes.
It is important not to stay silent. It is important to
heal. Healing is possible. When it happens, it is the most precious gift that
you can give to yourself and an act of love to your body.
Originally published by Silva Neves in August 2014
