Being Hyper Sexual

Being Hyper Sexual

Public awareness of sex addiction is on the increase. Sex addiction is a condition that has not been diagnosed nor treated until recently. Diagnosis and treatment started only in the 80’s with the ground-breaking research of Dr Patrick Carnes. The film Shame (2011) brought sex addiction to the awareness of the public, and more recently Thanks for Sharing (2012) and Nymphomaniac (2013).

Sex addiction is still a misunderstood condition. Clinicians are confused about sex addiction, as is the general public. I have seen many people suffering from it and heard their pain and their despair. For me, there is no doubt that sex addiction is a real and profound problem. Many people feel that their sexual behaviours cause problems but it is hard to know how to think about it and where to go for help. I hope this blog will answer some of those questions.

What is sex addiction?

Because sex addiction is only new in the public consciousness, the subject is surrounded by myths. First, let’s look at what sex addiction is NOT.

It is not about sex.

It is not fun.

It is not having a high sex drive.

It is not having lots of sex.

Sex addiction is:

1- Using sex as a primary way of coping with the unpleasant feelings of life: feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling tired, feeling bored, etc…

2- A sexual behaviour that is compulsive and repetitive. Someone with sex addiction cannot stop their sexual behaviours even though they might want to. They feel they have no control over it.

3- It makes the person feel bad. Sex addicts report that after the compulsive sexual behaviour, they feel depressed or worthless.

4- Engaging in sexual behaviour that is against an individual’s own moral values. For example, having sex outside of the marriage, even though they love their spouse.

What are the typical behaviours of a sex addict?

1- Compulsive use of porn (with or without masturbation)

2- Compulsive anonymous hook-ups (meeting online)

3- Attending strip clubs frequently

4- Visiting prostitutes and ‘sensual’ massage parlours frequently

5- Compulsively cruising places known for hook-ups’

6- Constant objectification of others

7- Using seduction techniques frequently

8- Pushing boundaries: viewing ‘no’ as a challenge

9- Multiple affairs or anonymous infidelity

10- Compulsive sexting, abusing social media networks, virtual sex (webcam, etc…)

11- Crossing professional boundaries

12- Compartmentalization: living a double life.

If sex addiction is not about sex, what is it about?

Sex addiction is about trauma. It serves the purpose to soothe deep emotional wounds left from a trauma or a series of traumas which occurred in childhood, usually.

The research of Dr Patrick Carnes reveals that:

    - 87% of sex addicts describe their familial upbringing as ‘disengaged’.

    - 97% of sex addicts report an early childhood trauma (usually childhood abuse).

    - 42% of sex addicts have a cross-addiction problem with chemical dependency.

    - 38% of sex addicts also have an eating disorder.

Because sex addiction is a trauma response, it is prevalent in all socio-economic classes, religious communities and sexual orientations. In fact, untreated sex addiction escalates. It is not uncommon for men identifying as heterosexuals to have sex with men at the height of their sex addiction. It is not a sexuality identity problem, it is the escalation of the addiction crossing gender boundaries.

You will find a listing of sex addiction specialists on the website ATSAC (Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity): www.atsac.co.uk

Sex addiction is a serious condition which can cause tremendous pain for both the addict and the partner. It can escalate to levels that can be extremely harmful and can even kill. Sex addicts and their partners can feel extremely hurt and hopeless. But there is hope for both the addict and the partner, because there is specialist help available all over the UK and internationally.

Originally published by Silva Neves in July 2014. Also published in the Autumn 2014 edition of Fidelity, the journal for The National Council of Psychotherapists.