COSRT (College Of Sexual and Relationship Therapists) is the leading UK professional body regulating the specialist profession of psychosexual and relationship therapy.
Therapists trained in a COSRT-accredited course will have the knowledge and experience working with loss: the loss of sexual desire, the psychosexual issues after an illness like cancer, relationship break-ups and divorce, infidelity, and so on. However, when it comes to bereavement and the particular grief it brings, it seems that our psychotherapy profession becomes split into the specialisation of bereavement counselling rather than relationship therapy when it could, in fact, be both. I argue that the loss and grief from bereavement is very much within the domain of relationship therapy.
Relationship with love
When someone dies, the grief people feel is individual. The most important factor that shapes the grief is the quality of the relationship with the deceased person. Indeed, bereavement counselling is not only about helping with grief, but it is about understanding in depth the complexities of human relationships.
After a loved one’s death, the survivor experiences the loss of the relationship, the rupture of connection, the sound of someone’s voice replaced by silence, they will miss and crave their loved one’s touch, their sense of humour, their presence. They also lose their sense of the future which had previously been imagined by the side of their loved one. If the connection was strong, the grief will be experienced as intense.
Relationship with unloving other
As relationship therapists, we know that relationships are complex and multi-layered. Some people’s death may bring a positive feeling to the survivor. For example, if the relationship was abusive, if the connection was toxic, one’s death may bring relief and a sense of resolution. It may even bring happiness. This is a difficult topic because these issues are seldom discussed and those particular feelings usually come with guilt and shame:
‘I should not be happy about someone’s death’
‘How should I grieve this horrible person?’
‘I’m a bad person for not feeling sadness’.
With society’s expectation that bereavement comes with sadness and tears, many people feel the pressure to be inauthentic with their feelings. I think that relationship therapists are very well equipped to dive in these complexities.
Relationship with sexuality
For many, the death of a romantic partner is the death of their sex life. This is another taboo area because, again, society tells us that we should be sad about the loss of another but not for the loss of something about us:
‘I’m selfish’
‘Does it mean I’m a sex addict?’
‘Does it mean I didn’t love my partner that much?’
There aren’t any therapists more equipped to help clients in these grey taboo areas than a COSRT-registered therapist.
Relationship with self
When someone loses a loved one, their heart can shatter. The relationship with their broken heart is very important. Being present with their experiences and not putting pressure on themselves to ‘get through grief’ requires honouring the connection with their self. People have to allow themselves to move with the flow of their emotions, just as much as they had to move with the flow of their partner’s existence. When the bereavement ruptures a strong connection, the heart doesn’t fully, there will always be a scar, and accepting the scar is honouring the deceased person’s place in their lives.
The ‘rippling’
Existential psychotherapist Irvin Yalom says a dead person’s life echoes and influences the survivors long after their death, which then is passed on to the survivor’s survivors. Yalom calls it the ‘rippling’. This is a wonderful thing to think about, not to avoid thinking about the fact that one is dead but more about remembering the power of connection and human relationships.
After 2020 and for many years to come, therapists are going to see more and more people who lost loved ones, those with broken hearts, those with complex grief processes. We, COSRT relationship therapists, can be at the frontline of the major mental health crisis ahead of us, ready to help the people in much need.
If you want to be ready and equipped, you can join the short CPD course on grief offered by CICS (Contemporary Institute of Clinical Sexology).
Silva Neves
