What happened in
Manchester this week was horrific and despicable. The entire nation is upset
and we are in a state of critical threat level.
This blog is for the
people who were at the Manchester Arena on Monday night and who are traumatised
by the terrorist attack. I am writing this blog also for their friends and
loved ones.
These first three
months are going to be crucial for your trauma recovery and wellbeing. There
are some specific ways to look after yourself in these first three months, and
if you do so, you are less likely for this traumatic event to develop into PTSD
(Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) or other trauma-related issues later, which
would then require professional help.
Here are my suggestions
of what to do after this traumatic event:
1- Don't
read posts on Facebook or Twitter that says: 'you shouldn't be angry' or 'you should
focus on what's positive'. One type of posts I see a lot: 'let's not go into
hysterics'. Although these Facebook posts are well-meaning they are not
for you. They may put pressure on yourself to just be calm, rational and kind
about it all. But the point is that right now, you are not calm. It is normal not to be calm. It is normal to be angry. It is normal to
even be full of rage. It is normal to be deeply sad. It is normal to want to
shout and scream.
2- In order to allow a good recovery
after what happened in Manchester, give yourself the time and space to do all
that: be angry, shout, cry. Don’t fight the
tears, don't try to calm down your anger. Let it happen, and let it happen
in a safe way.
3- Some
suggestions to discharge you anger safely: Take a boxing class at the gym
(this is popular amongst people who have been traumatised). Or go for a long jog
if it’s more your thing. You might want to scream
on your own in a forest, or at a pillow. You can write whatever you think and feel without censoring
yourself. If you think 'I shouldn't say this or feel this way' it is censoring
yourself. At this stage, you are very upset, all of your intense emotions
are normal, so keep writing with no censorship.
Do
not discharge your anger towards others as you might put yourself in danger.
But when you are on your own, you can allow yourself to say outloud all the
things you want to say but couldn't in front of others: don't judge yourself
for feeling anger, rage or hate. It is normal to feel all that at the
moment. If you discharge those emotions safely now, those unpleasant feelings
and thoughts will be less potent and more manageable later.
4- Find friends and loved ones to talk to. This is one of the most important part. Meet carefully selected friends and talk, talk, talk, with a cup of tea, a biscuit and a comfortable armchair. Ask for hugs. Cry on a loved one's shoulder. Don't feel embarrassed by your big emotions. Allow yourself to ask for a loving friend's time. Friends and loved ones will come to you if you ask.
5- Remember
that Feeling distressed, angry, sad, rage, confused, depressed is normal. If
you notice your body shaking, it is normal. Let it happen.
6- Take
care of the rest of your life, one step at a time: Engage in your favourite hobby.
Find some routine back in your life, even if it is to remind yourself to do
small things like having a shower and eating breakfast. Meet carefully selected
friends to talk about other things that the traumatic event.
7- Give yourself a break from watching news. Often,
people who have been traumatised feel compelled to keep looking at what happened.
Try not to. At this stage, it will only re-traumatise you. You won’t be able to
make sense of what happened now, so don’t try. Instead, spend some time watching
other things that are completely different: a funny movie, for example.
8- Be mindful of your
critical thoughts. It is common for
traumatised people to have thoughts like: ‘I could have done more to help’, ‘I
am stupid’, ‘I am worthless’. If you catch yourself having similar thoughts,
get away from those thoughts. You have the control over your thoughts and you
can make yourself think of other things that are more useful, like kind thoughts
about yourself. Don’t judge or criticise your big emotions, allow yourself to
feel your emotions with no judgements.
For the friends and loved one who can listen to the traumatised person, here are a few tips:
1- Don't encourage your traumatised friend to make sense of things now. Just allow them to talk and talk and talk even if what is said doesn't make sense. They don't want to be listened to for facts, they want to let things out, whatever it is.
2- Don't offer advice. Usually traumatised people don't want advice just yet. Just a friendly ear.
3- Don't ask questions. Just listen. The only questions to ask are:
'How are you?' 'Tell me more'. 'Is there more you want to say?' 'Would you like a cup of tea?' 'What do you want for dinner?'
4- Stay present with your traumatised friend expressing distress and repeat back what you hear: it is a really good way that your friend will feel that you are just right there for them: For example: 'What I hear you say is that you are so confused with it all. You have so much anger towards that suicide bomber, you wish he was still alive so that you could kill him. Yes I hear you.' And then, you can validate what they are saying: 'It makes sense to me that you have these thoughts given what's happened to you'.
They don't want to hear your opinions at this stage because you just can't know how they are feeling. So stay with them, parking your own opinion on the side. Later on, in about three months time, your friend might then be ready to hear your opinion or advice to start to make sense of things. But not now.
5- Offer hugs.
6- Allow for silence to happen. If your traumatised friend doesn't want to talk. Don't talk. Just sit with them, in silence. You might want to ask if they want a blanket, or a cuddly toy (no matter how old they are), or touch your hand or a hug.
If you have lost a loved one or a child.
Your grief is enormous and complex and will stay this way for a long time.
The five stages of grief are (Kubler-Ross): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These stages are not neat nor linear. It is very common to flip from denial, anger, bargaining, depression, back to anger, and depression, and denial, and anger, and bargaining, depression and anger and depression, anger, bargaining, depression, and so on and on, for quite some time. This process usually lasts for two years.
When you reach acceptance, what does it look like? Acceptance is not to say ‘what happened is ok’. Because what happened will never be ok. You will never be ok that you have lost a child in this horrific circumstance. Acceptance is to learn to live with the fact that you will always miss your child. Your life will never be the same again. Professional help can help reach that stage. But before you find a professional, give yourself plenty of time and space to discharge all of your big emotions as mentioned above.
My
thoughts and deepest sympathy are with you all.
