Are you happy with your body?

Summer is upon us. People walk around in the streets with layers of clothes off. It can be appealing. We want to look our best this Summer, don’t we? 

It all sounds fun, doesn’t it? 

Not for all of us. 

For some of us, it can be a distressing time if we don’t like our body. There is a high prevalence of psychological distress related to body image amongst women and gay men, and an increasing number of heterosexual men struggle with it too. For some, it is only an uncomfortable subject. For others it can become a daily pre-occupation acute enough to create deep unhappiness. 

I see people who go to the gym every day, their bodies look pumped up, and yet all they see is fat, and imperfection. No matter how many times they go to the gym or how much they restrict their diet, it is never good enough. These thoughts and perception of our body can lead to serious psychological disorders such as eating disorders or muscle dysmorphic disorder. We usually associate eating disorders with women and fashion models but it is also affecting men too. Muscle dysmorphic disorder goes unnoticed because it is socially accepted, even desirable to be full of muscles. 

So many people judge their bodies in a harsh and critical voice. The protective winter jumper can be difficult to give up because it is harder to hide with only a t-shirt on. Sometimes it can feel like a battle that is impossible to win. 

You may have a problem with your body image if: 

1-   You have frequent preoccupation with your body image and body shape to the extent of controlling your life. 

2-   You feel distressed, unhappy or depressed when you look at your body. 

3-   You do excessive exercise.

4-   You’re always on a diet, juicing, detoxing, etc. 

5-   You have problems with relationships: avoiding social occasions because you think you look bad.

You may have body image distress if you feel bad about your appearance: 

1-   At social gathering where you know a few people

2-   When you look at yourself in the mirror

3-   When you are with attractive people

4-   When someone looks at parts of your appearance that you dislike

5-   When you try on new clothes

6-   When you exercise 

7-   After you have eaten a full meal

8-   When you wear revealing clothes

9-   When you get on the scale to weigh

10-When you think someone has rejected you

11-When in a sexual situation 

12-When you are in a bad mood

13-When you think of how you looked when you were younger

14-When you see yourself in a photo or on video

15-When you think you have gained weight

16-When you think about what you wished you looked like

17-When you recall hurtful things people have said about your appearance

18-When you are with people who talk about weight or dieting

Here are five tips of what you can do to help feel better about your body: 

1-    Speak to yourself like you would speak to your best friend. Don’t be unkind about your appearance. Challenge your critical thoughts. 

2-    Avoid focusing on the body parts that you don’t like. Instead, take a broader look at your body and also look at the parts that you like. 

3-    Don’t go on a scale every day. Moderate your exercises. Take some time to do other fun things and hobbies that do not involve working on your fitness or body. 

4-    Have a balanced diet that include all types of food group, including a dessert once in a while. Make meals a time for relaxation and fun. 

5-    Learn to love the body parts that you don’t usually like. It is all part of self-love, self-compassion and self-acceptance. You don’t need to have a six-pack in order to be attractive and a worthy person.  

If you feel much distress to a level that it stops you from living the life you want, it is a good idea to find a therapist who specialises in working with body image. 

We have only one body for life. Take your first step to make peace with it today. Wear the Summer clothes that you love without hiding. Be proud, really proud of it. We are all beautifully imperfect. 

Yes! No! When your partner has a different sex drive

Struggling with your partner having a different sex drive is one of the top reasons couples come to see me. Couples often feel angry, resentful, sad or hurt because of unsatisfying frequency or quality in their sex life. 

First, I say to couples that it is usual. I also acknowledge the pain that it causes. The person wanting more sex often feels rejected, unloved or undesired. The person wanting less sex often feels irritated by the sexual demands of their partner, they can feel that their partner is pestering them, they often become avoidant of any touch or kind words for fear that their partner will take the wrong hint that would lead to an expectation of sex. 

The result is a relationship that feels distant, cold and, as time passes, more and more hopeless. 

There are many things you can do to resolve the situation: 

1-   Medical/ hormonal investigation. Low sex drive can be caused by low testosterone. A high sex drive can be the result of high testosterone. Checking your levels can be a good idea to identify if your problem can be resolved medically. 

2-   Communication factor. Develop a sexual language in your day to day life to maintain a sense of the erotic. For example swap: ‘You look good in those jeans’ with ‘you look sexy in those jeans’.  An important rule to follow is: no expectation of sex. It means that both partner can be free to play with a sexual language without the anxiety of having sex. 

3-    The importance of touch. Following the same rule of no sex expectation: you can be free to learn to touch each other’s body and re-discover it without the anxiety to have sex. Be curious about the areas of your body and your partner’s body that are sensitive and bring pleasure. Even if you get aroused, you can stay with the sensual play without having sex. Take some time to stay sensual, and build up an anticipation for sex. You can also use sex toys to enhance the experience of touch. 

4-   Sharing sexual fantasies. This can be harder than you may think. Many people struggle to do so. We usually keep our fantasies in our private world. You may have sexual fantasies that you are curious to try out in reality, and you may have other sexual fantasies that you do not wish to try. Both are ok. Getting to know each other’s erotic world can be a fun and exciting adventure. 

5-   Honest conversation about what you like and don’t like in sex. So often, couples have sex without talking honestly about it. It can lead to some awkwardness and even make people avoid sex. They might be parts of your body that you don’t like to be touched. Or there may be a specific sexual activity that is a no-go for you. 

6-   The meaning of sex. It has a massive influence on our sex drive and how we have sex. For some, sex means entertainment: it doesn’t matter if it is sex with a loved one or a stranger, it is a pleasurable experience. For some other people, sex is a pathway to deep connection, an expression of love. Some people have negative meanings of sex: they think that sex is dirty, or it is somewhat wrong. Or there can be a lot of shame in someone’s erotic world. Having an exploration and knowing what meaning you put on sex will help you understand your sex drive and navigate your sex life. 

7-   Setting realistic expectation. This is another honest conversation to have. Your partner will probably not want sex exactly when you want it. If you want sex five times a day but your partner is satisfied with sex twice a month, you can discuss how to meet half-way. Also, good sex is not only a matter of frequency: quality is also important to consider. Is making reasonable compromise on your sex life worth it to keep the relationship with your loved one? 

8-   Getting yourself in the mood. Often people mistakenly think that they have to be ‘in the mood’ for sex. For some people, waiting to be in the mood could mean waiting forever. We don’t need to wait for sexual desire, as long as we can feel sexual arousal. If you’re not in the mood, you can touch your genitals until you become sexual aroused, and by then, you may be more in the mood for sex. Make sure that you only do so when you fully consent to sexual activities. Getting yourself in the mood doesn’t mean that you have to force yourself to have sex when you really don’t want to. 

9-   You can download a helpful app: Pillow. It contains many different episodes to guide you with exploring your sex life. 

Navigating your sex life with the different libido to your partner is a usual struggle many couples face. It is not the sign of a relationship going wrong. And it can be resolved with many different steps. Take your time, approach the issue with empathy for yourself and your partner. And be courageous to step into an erotic exploration together. Have fun. 

Silva Neves 

Chemsex: The high cost of temporary relief

As a psychosexual psychotherapist working with the gay community I often sit with men struggling with Chemsex. You may think of Chemsex parties as a place of total chill out but what I see in my consulting room is the dark side. Sadly, men come to me mostly when death has brushed past them. I frequently hear: ‘a friend of mine has just died because of Chemsex. He was only 30. I don’t want this to happen to me’.

The statistics are worrying: Chemsex behaviours are so prevalent amongst gay men that clinicians call it an epidemic. It is a problem that is observed in all major cities in the UK and worldwide. So, what makes Chemsex so popular?

Of course, the answer is complex. Here in the UK we can be grateful for the rights that the gay community have. However, homophobia persists, mostly covertly. Gay men can easily feel that they are different from other boys at a very young age. They tend to make sense of it with words like: ‘there is something wrong with me’ or ‘I am wrong’ which then become core beliefs as they grow up. As an adult, they may not be conscious of these core beliefs. They may think: ‘I’m out, I’m proud, all is good’. But, deep down into the caverns of the unconscious, the ‘I am wrong’ belief festers and pulls the strings. I often hear: ‘gay men only want sex’, ‘it’s hard to find a partner because nobody wants a relationship’. When I hear these comments, what I really hear is the unconscious core belief: it gets in a way of meaningful relationships. Avoiding intimacy protects them from the fear of looking within and facing those core beliefs, which are scary and painful.

This is where Chemsex comes in handy. The typical drugs taken are crystal meth bringing euphoria and sexual arousal. And GHB or GBL which are powerful dishinibitors. The combination is remarkable: all the shame and anxiety about that gay men harbour melt away into a euphoric sexual world. I hear men say: ‘it is the only time where I feel a sense of real connection with others’, ‘I don’t have to worry about my body, I am guaranteed to be accepted’. Chemsex is an epidemic because for a period of time, it gives the illusion to heal the pain of being gay in a heterosexual world, and it feels so good.

However, there is a high cost to pay for this temporary relief.

1-    A financial cost: drugs are not cheap. Some neglect to pay their bills so they can do Chemsex: it is a fast track into homelessness and despair.

2-    A physiological cost: your body goes into distress and it takes a long time to recover. People report struggling with their focus from Monday to Wednesday after a weekend of Chemsex binge.

3-    A sexual health cost: the illusion of connectedness encourages unprotected sex: it can be a true abandon of all the rules that the heterosexual world imposed on them, including ‘you must use a condom’. There is a high risk of contracting HIV and HepC as well as a myriad of other sexually transmitted infections.

4-    A sexual trauma cost: clear sexual consent can be blurred, which is a serious concern because men can be sexually traumatized.

5-    A psychological cost: once the illusion has worn off, the ‘I am wrong’ core belief comes back with a vengeance, adding on an extra layer of shame: ‘you are wrong, you had sex with many strangers in a random guy’s flat. You didn’t even fancy most of them. Meanwhile, your fridge is empty, you didn’t get to do your laundry. What a stupid man you are. Straight people don’t do that.’. This is a terrible narrative that is very common on a come down. Some people go into such despair with these negative self-talks that they want more drugs to get away from this psychological pain. And the cycle of Chemsex starts again. Over time, the only contact with gay people will be those engaging in Chemsex which re-inforces the core belief: ‘all gays are the same’. This is, of course, inaccurate.

If you want to feel connected with others, you can do it sober. If you want to be free from the unconscious core beliefs, it is possible with therapy: go for it, it is a wonderful investment which cost is much less than the ones of Chemsex.

The answer to feeling better in your own skin and having great connected sex with other men lie within you. And I believe the gay community can do more to help. We should be kinder to each other, less rejecting, more accepting.

In my consulting room, I help my clients to be courageous and embrace vulnerability with their sober sexual encounters: it is hard to start with, but also a wonderful experience. My hope for the gay community is that we can create a new way of being gay in the world that we live in: a place where we foster self-love, self-care and total acceptance for each other. Then, perhaps, the rest of the world can learn from the gay community.