Sex is one of those topics that everybody talks about and
everybody has opinions about. What I mostly hear in my consulting room is that
people don’t have good sex education and they compare themselves to what they
think others do in bed.
In the absence of good sex education, what we have left to
rely on is pornographic films, which is entertainment and not an accurate
depiction of every day sex, or your friends boasting about their sex life being
amazing.
Deep down, many people are confused about what good sex
really is, and many people wonder if their sex life is good enough. Some people
criticise their sex life as ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’. Some people ask me
questions like: ‘Am I normal for having a fetish?’, ‘Am I unhealthy for having lots of sex?’, ‘Do
I masturbate too much?’, ‘Should I feel more sexual?’, ‘Am I strange for not
liking penetration?’ And so on and so forth.
When we talk about sex, we tend to focus on the particular
acts rather than on the broad view of sexuality: human sexuality is rich and
varied and there are thousands of ways to have sex and be sexual. One person’s
favourite sexual activity can be another person’s repulsion. How can we even
begin to identify what is good or bad, healthy or unhealthy without falling
into the trap of being opinionated, judgemental, critical and shaming?
I invite you to think about your sex life differently. If
you want to know if the sex you’re having is good or bad, stop focusing on
sexual acts and instead think about sexual health principles. There are six of
them:
1- Consent. Consent can only be expressed from a person aged 16 or over, with a
fully functioning brain. Consent cannot be expressed from a person who has
impaired thinking under the influence of drugs or alcohol, for example. Consent
to exercise your sexual right to have sex with whomever you choose should be unambiguous.
If there is doubt, take some extra time to have a conversation with your sexual
partners to make sure the cooperation between you is clear.
2- Non-exploitation. This means to do what you and your partner(s) have agreed to do
without any coercion using power or control for sexual gratification.
3- Protection from HIV, STIs
and unwanted pregnancy. It is your responsibility
to protect yourself and your partner from unwanted pregnancy. And it is also
your responsibility to make sure that you are at low risk of contracting a
sexually transmitted infection. Often it requires a honest conversation with
your partner, and an explicit agreement on how you are going to protect each
other. If you have a STI that is infectious, it is your responsibility to put
protection in place that won't knowingly infect your partner(s).
4- Honesty. Being honest and upfront with your sexual desires and sexual needs
is important. Everybody is different, and human sexuality is diverse. It is
likely that your partner may not know all of what you like, need or want
sexually. In fact, some people are not in touch with their own sexual landscape
and all the parts of their body that is erogenous. Being able to express to
your partner what you want or need is important. It can be difficult and it is
a courageous conversation to have, because you can risk hearing your partner
saying that they don't like what you like. When couples stay in a place of
honesty and truth, often they can work some things out between them to achieve
a fulfilling sex life.
5- Shared values. It is important that you and your sexual partner are 'on the same
page' about what is acceptable and what is not. Our values are important to us
because it informs us on what specific sexual acts means to us and contributes
to our motivation for having sex. Conversations about values can clarify
important aspects of your sexual health which will help with giving consent to
have sex.
6- Mutual pleasure. Pleasure is an important component of sex. For good sexual health,
it is crucial that you make sure that what you do bring you pleasure and at the
same time, to be able to hear what your partner finds pleasurable. It is a good
idea to talk about it with your partner because it is not possible to assume.
We usually feel good when we bring pleasure to our partners and we also feel
good when we feel pleasure ourselves.
You can stop thinking about being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ in bed.
You can stop worrying about your kinky sex life being healthy or not. If you
move away from opinions about specific sexual acts, there is no judgments to be
made and you can ensure your sexual life to be good by meeting the six
principles of sexual health.
Have fun!
Silva Neves
