In January, we hear ‘New Year, New Me’, we hear
many resolutions: ‘I will go to the gym more’, ‘I will have a better diet’, ‘I
will drink less’, etc.
Those resolutions quickly become yet another
thing on your to-do list, and then you beat yourself up for not doing them.
Does it sound familiar?
At this time of year, my clients often ask: ‘If
making resolutions are unhelpful, what can I do to have a better year? I
respond that what might be useful is to move away from an action-based thinking
to a being-based thinking. Of course, what we do is important but a state of
happiness and success is also a ‘being’ experience.
The essential ingredient for a happier year is
joy.
Joy is essentially a ‘being’ state. Firstly, I
invite you to think back at 2017: what did you do that made you feel good about
yourself? What did you do that you loved?
You may be tempted to think about the big things
like an important achievement at work, for example. If it made you feel good
about yourself then and still making you feel good now when you think about it,
that’s great. But your source of joy last year may not have been anything to do
with achievements. For example, you may have purchased a new rug, and each time
you look at it, you feel good. Or perhaps you had a great time with an old
friend and when you call up the memory it brings a smile to your face.
I encourage you to take some time to reflect on
the joy of 2017: for some people, joy is staying in bed late on Sundays. For
others, it is enjoying an impromptu glass of wine with a best friend.
Once you have reflected on 2017, you can start
to draw a joy-based plan for 2018.
Not enjoying your job doesn’t mean that you have
to change your career. What it means is that in 2018 you can focus on joyful
things outside of work: if you have a hobby that you love, do more of it. If
you don’t have a hobby, find one in 2018. If joy for you is connections with
friends, see friends more. My clients who made a joy-based plan tell me: ‘I spend
more time reading novels on weekends and that makes me happy’ others say: ‘I
spend more time with my favorite friends and that brings me joy’. Others say:
‘I took up painting and it’s a new hobby that makes me feel good’.
We are all different, going to Pilates can be a
source of joy for one person and Hell for another. Why listen to what society
tells us we ‘should’ be doing to be happier? Going to the gym five times a
week, eating blueberries, medidating every morning and so on. These actions alone
seldom bring joy, unless they are something you love doing.
Of course, a good diet and exercise is crucial
for health and well-being, but you don’t need to adopt a regime that you find
tough: it is unlikely that you will stick to it. Denying yourself the piece of
pizza you really want because it doesn’t agree with your workout goals is truly
joyless.
Many people do joyless things because they are
driven by an underlying fear of being worthless. I encourage you to be mindful
with your ‘should’ and ‘must’ thinking. Some are useful, for example, you
definitely ‘should’ go to work even when you don’t want to. And you ‘should’ be
polite even when you’re irritated. But who says you ‘should’ drink a kale
smoothie every morning? ‘Must’ you really wake up at 5.30am to go to the gym
when your body tells you it needs a rest?
All of us, of all health status, all body
shapes, all lifestyles, we are all worthy of leading a joyful life. Being kind
to yourself and others brings much joy.
Gratitude is another element that can bring you
joy in your life. Sometimes I ask my clients to write three things they are
grateful for every day. It can be anything from an existential gratitude: ‘I’m
grateful for being alive’ to a practical gratitude: ‘I’m grateful for my boiler
not breaking down this winter’. Focusing on gratitude is a good way to get away
from the stress of ‘not having’ towards being mindful of the things that you do
have.
Well-being, self-care and a successful year
isn’t always about what we do and what we achieve. It is primarily about taking
on a new philosophy of ‘being’, focusing on joy: what you love, what makes you
happy, what makes you feel good about yourself.
My challenge for you is to bring more joy into
your life. Notice how different you can feel about yourself. You might also
notice that the to-do list, the career goals, etc. become easier to achieve
when you have a joyful life. If you start with the ‘being’ you can be a more
productive ‘doer’: full circle.
I wish you all a happy, successful and joyful
2018.
