Valentine’s Day is upon us again. Some love this time of
year, some hate it. Nevertheless it is a time of year when most people think
and reflect on their love life.
Some of you may be single, and some of you will celebrate
their good relationships. But some of you will look at your relationship
feeling bad about it, feeling stuck and feeling trapped. I work with many
unhappy couples. They often wonder ‘how did I get here?’ ‘what is happening
between us?’ ‘I just feel so distant from my partner’. Being in a relationship
that feels distant or bad can make the couple feel miserable, it can be
exhausting and draining. If this is you, don’t despair. There are a few things
you can do to start improving your relationship.
Here are five tips:
1-
De-clutter your bedroom. When I ask couples what
their bedroom looks like, I often hear that it is a space that has become
cluttered and has been invaded with ‘things’ like a computer, piles of dusty
books, or storage boxes. Or it is a place that has become the kingdom of pets
or children. The bedroom needs to be a relaxing and private space for the
couple. Pay attention to the environment: de-clutter the bedroom, buy new
bedsheets, put some candles or essential oil in the room. Put some relaxing and
beautiful art work on the walls. Have dim lighting. Leave the computer outside
the bedroom. Leave the pets outside too (most of the time). And explain to your
children that the bedroom is a private space and therefore they can’t come in
any time they want. It is an important first step because it will send a
message to both of you that the couple space is sacred and a priority.
2-
Look at each other’s eyes for two minutes. Sit
in front of each other and look carefully, in silence. Let the silence between
you become meaningful. With the silence, you will notice a new language: the
one of the eyes, facial expression, energy in the space. When I ask couples to
do this, they often giggle at first. It is ok to do so. But after the giggles
have passed, keep looking, in deep curiosity. Couples then see something of
their partner that they have long forgotten. Sometimes the energy is so potent
that tears start to appear. They are either loving tears, or tears of sadness: the
loss of what the relationship used to be, feeling nostalgic. Looking in each
other’s eyes in silence is a meaningful way to return the connection that once
was.
3-
Give each other a hug for one minute. When I ask
couples to do this, they often feel awkward at the beginning but after a while
they start relaxing. One minute is just long enough to feel each other’s breath,
feel each other’s rhythm. Both your body’s nervous system start to regulate at
the beat of each other’s body. It is another meaningful moment that helps
return to the couple’s connection. I ask the couples I see to make the
one-minute hug a part of their daily routine: greeting each other when they
return home at the end of a long day at work, for example. Many couples report
that the one-minute hug has made big improvements in their relationship. It is
one minute worth spending!
4-
Send an appreciation to each other every day.
Even if you are struggling in your relationship, even if you are angry at your
partner, even if you think your partner constantly lets you down, try to find
one thing that you appreciate about your partner. It can be a small thing like:
‘I appreciate that you have taken the bins out tonight’ or something more
existential: ‘I appreciate your presence in my life’. One appreciation a day
doesn’t take long and it usually makes a big different in the couple’s
connections: it encourages you to notice at what your partner does that is
good, rather than focusing on what they do wrong. And when you receive an
appreciation it feels good. Couples often report that their relationship
becomes warmer and more loving.
5-
Do something fun together. If you can find a
hobby to do together (as well as continuing a hobby separately), it can make
your couple stronger. Try pilates or yoga together. Or you can play badminton,
for some reason it seems to be one of the preferred sports for couples. Or you
can go on a dancing class together. Whatever you choose to do is fine: the
point is to take your couple outside of the daily routine and to have a laugh
together. It brings a different energy to the relationship and can create
closeness.
If you start with these five tips, you may be surprised at
how quickly a few minutes a day doing something different can start to improve
your relationship and make a warmer space between the two of you. For the more
tricky issues, I suggest you seek the help of a suitably qualified and experienced
couples therapist.
This February, you can make the first steps towards
transforming your relationship.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
